I am the luckiest girl in the whole entire world.
So, I went to work Christmas Eve. FBF decided against the train, and that he wanted to drive his car up. CBF calls me at 3:45ish, to tell me they're at a local watering hole, having a beer. We have a small logistics discussion and I hang up and completely lose my nut. I was so freaked out! I start dialing my friends and trying to figure whom I can ask for support without interrupting their Christmas Eve overmuch. I called three people (two of them were my parents), before reaching a friend who could help. So, I get home, and try to get changed, and I'm still fairly freaked, and of course they arrive early. Both of them, absolutely breathtaking in their suits. FBF in a red shirt. I end up in a red skirt with a sparkly black top (which caused CBF's mom to ask how much more weight I'd lost and to tell me how fabulous I looked!).
CBF ends up in his own car, and I drive me and FBF to mom's. Where everything turns out to be easy and wonderful and completely super. CBF kissed me goodbye while we were standing behind FBF (seated on the couch). I was able to 'cuddle' FBF in passing touches. We all fed each other hors d'oeuvres (caviar, people, we had three kinds of caviar and champagne). There was another person there, a friend of mom's, and that was just fine too.
FBF was tickled that mom had gotten him presents (we all had a stocking to empty), we had gotten him a darth vader stocking. He really liked the present I got him.
I felt so fortunate, and loved, and spoilt, and lucky, and I did worry that my head would explode, but from happiness, not fear.
FBF and I took both our cars, and I wasn't crazy about that, but could see that it was a good break for him to have alone time. Originally, I was all, 'just take me and I'll go home on the bus.' but ended up seeing that wouldn't be terrific for me.
We were driving over the bridge into SF, there was a big beautiful wreath over the tunnel, I was listening to 'I Believe In Father Christmas' and it was such a moment! I got all choked up. It felt like the first time I'd heard the words (it wasn't, part of that is getting old, part of that it's just not played all that often).
I'm so blessed that I'm not so angry anymore. I'm not attached. The season doesn't have to be perfect. I have beautiful moments, and I string them together and that's my happy Christmas. It's not about did I get everyone the perfect gift. It's not about did all the traditions get followed. It's about the ability to actually be in the present moment, and enjoy it.
We walked in the soggy soggy raining night, all over North Beach. The city was still beautiful, even in the rain. We found a lovely Irish pub to warm our cockles. They had just had their last seating, and they told us they were sold out of EVERYthing. So we ended up having chinese food. As is the proper tradition for diners out on Christmas.
Poor FBF, he got quite ill in the middle of the night, woke up coughing out of a fairly sound sleep, then developed a fever. I was so grateful I could be there to care for him, even though I couldn't do a damn thing. I kept telling him he didn't NEED the heater on, he wasn't cold, he had a fever. I was working out the logistics in my head of how I was going to acquire someone else to get his car home; and how I might get up at 4am in San Francisco to find him some tylenol (I couldn't believe I had nothing with me). The fever did finally break, and he was fine by the time the sun came up. Not inclined to eat, but fine.
It reminded me of him caring for me when I was sick when we were in Las Vegas. I kept apologizing. He didn't apologize once. Which was fine, no reason to apologize for something completely beyond your control. It's something for me to chew on, and maybe I can quit apologizing too. (like how I worked the self loving into this post? my blog does have a theme, as far as I do tend to stray from it)