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Old 12-27-2012, 04:37 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 4,246

I am indeed worried quite a bit about my wife losing the best friendship she's had in years. This person has been very good for her, in a lot of ways.
Well, has the friend articulated her willingness to still be friends if they give it a whirl and the romance is not a runner? Or does she prefer not to be friends with her exes? Is wife willing to remain friends as exes? What would be a dealbreaker reason for a breakup that would nullify the friendship? Is it a risk both are willing to take in order to explore a potential romance? Or rather skip it? And remain friends?

All of that is on them to discern, not you. Talking it out helps reassure -- so hopefully they will talk.

The innocence factor is more an issue for my wife than for myself. I never saw myself as innocent, even when I was; I had waaay too much of a sex drive in me from the onset of puberty onward to not accept that sexuality was a part of who I was as a person. But her . . . I had to teach her what sexuality was, and she still doesn't see herself as a really sexual creature (though that is actually a big part of her, and of how she and I interact & bond).
That is something for her to reconcile. She and BF can explore this dating thing with your blessing in the fullness of time if they become lovers, explore that too. Or she can choose not to go there and have you as her one and only lover.

A related concern is that this will go south in a way that makes my wife feel ashamed for having thought about it in the first place. Having to reconsider what "marriage" means, to reconsider a basic part of our identity, this far into the game . . . is a lot of hard work. To have to do that, for something that might not even get off the ground, when she has no intention of broadening her horizons like this for anyone BUT the one person she developed feelings for after years of friendship, would be upsetting to her.

Fear of feeling yucky feelings MAYBE in the future is not a reason to skimp out on loving now. She could continue to keep it in the friend zone and love her friend as a friend. She could choose to explore if the friendship will grow to romantic types of love or not.

But this fear and worry over what MIGHT be an ugly break up thing? What it if is worry for naught? Since future is not actually here, it cannot be known.

Maybe this post will help?

I wrote it to another in similar emotional worry state.

If things must end, they could talk about how they want the good break up to be like. That could help reduce fears and worries that it would be "ugly."

And yes, there's a sporadic, niggling, irrational fear that even opening this door means our marriage will end horribly within a year or whatever.
The risk is always there even without Opening. DH and I call it "The Bus."

We talk about things and one or the other goes "Alright, so what if you get run over by a bus then. Now what?" And we keep on talking to sort out plan B. Not just in talks about Opening. But when we bought the house and had taken out the mortgage. Or had the child. "The Bus" could hit and leave one spouse hanging in whatever fashion. It isn't that we WANT the spouse to get run over by a bus. Or that we want the marriage to end. But part of what helps to reduce worry/fear for us to to have a working plan in place. How do we want to be to each other as exes? Or if one is left widowed? What plan is in place to help the surviving spouse? To finish raising kid? To make ends meet? That sort of stuff.

You are going to go through a lot of things, and a lot of feelings. But Share your Vulnerable with each other and talk it out. Sharing in that emotional intimacy will create/strengthen that kind of bond between you as well as reducing the fears and worries.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 12-27-2012 at 04:45 AM.
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