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Old 12-27-2012, 12:47 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is online now
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,522

#1.) Your user name really caught my eye - Richard Feynman was one of my childhood heroes (I read his autobiography when I was about 10) - any relation?

Originally Posted by Feynman View Post
I opted to be extremely honest about everything since I had cheated previously with a prior girlfriend and absolutely hated the guilt and damage that it caused.
#2.) Good on you for realizing that honesty is definitely the way to go!

Originally Posted by Feynman View Post
I'm really here to see if I can understand the psychology behind my motivations and desires. Notably, I go off the deep end when it comes to jealousy--extremely hypocritical--at least when it comes to other males. It's probably deeply-rooted insecurities of some kind, but I'm not exactly looking to fix that about myself as it hasn't caused any problems for me yet (I trust my girlfriend enough that it hasn't gone past a kind of joke and she's been fine with the way I am).
#3.) (And this is the one I really wanted to address) My husband (boyfriend at the time) was always ok with my pursuits of other women...but decidedly NOT ok with a sexual relationship with another guy (although he was ok with everything up to the sex, and agreed with poly "intellectually"). We never addressed this, for 19 years, because we BOTH assumed that, although I had identified as poly the whole time, I was looking for that "missing feminine energy." (Turns out that I just don't like most men .)

When Dude, unexpectedly, entered the picture - a.) I handled it poorly (you can read my "Journey" blog here if you want the sordid details) and b.) we had to address an "elephant in the room" issue that we had ignored for 19 years. After 3 months of darkness, and another 3 months of careful consideration, we ended up where we are now (and have been for 2 years) - a functioning MFM Vee.

You are posting on a poly forum, so lots of us here can help you explore your motivations and desires - since many of us share them. I would point out though that your, yes "extremely hypocritical" theoretical "off the deep end" jealousy when it comes to your girlfriend having another male partner may have to be addressed if this is a long-term endeavor. You don't mention her sexual or relationship orientation but, at some point - if this goes forward - unless she is strictly mono, she may look at what you have (are considering having) and decide that she wants the same.

Just my two cents.

Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (23+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (4+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
Lotus: "it's complicated"
SLeW: platonic girlfriend + BFF
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.

My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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