There are resources that could help you:
But there is NOTHING that is going to be like "Here is the map for having a poly "V" shape configuration. 1 + 1 + 1 = 3. There! Guaranteed!"
All people are not the same and what interpersonal relationship skills and abilities that they bring to the table are going to be different. So are their wants, needs, and limits.
I need a word or label, because my mono-ID seems to have fallen apart-ish, and I don't feel like "poly" fits, really. I know many poly words, "compersion" for one, are made up, but I feel silly doing that. I had "monogamish" suggested, and it seems flip.
So you are in transition. Could call it that. "I'm in transition." Or in a time of discernment as you figure yourselves out. Could call it that. "In a time of Discernment."
Whatever the latest "news" happening in the inner newspaper that is YOU? The masthead still is "UpsideDown" -- YOU. Your
name. You are YOU, always. Whether 1 year old you, or 10 year old you, or 100 year old you -- you are still you. Getting to know all sides of you as they emerge can sometimes be startling or disconcerting.
Especially if there's something you didn't know you had in you, because the circumstances to trigger it hadn't come up before. Breathe. It's ok. You are still you. You don't get to choose how you feel, but you do get to choose how you behave.
I need to hear from her, and I need to get over my Baptist-induced guilt/shame over the thing, and worries that DH will become upset, even though he isn't now.
I gather you told her how you feel and she's deciding if she's willing to see where the romance there could lead then? And you are waiting for reply? And the waiting is making you antsy?
What guilt/shame are you feeling? Are you talking down to yourself in your head? Your chosen faith path is there to help you become your best self and help you tend to your spiritual health and support you. It is not there to cause you pain. Does your adult path have room for your relationships to grow? For you to grow? Do YOU give yourself room to grow/change over time?
So DH gets upset. You are not out to get him. You are not doing anything behind his back. What's the fear in seeing him upset? What the plan for conflict resolution?
Perhaps knowing what the plan is there, since you like to know what's going on could help calm you?
Nights like yesterday, or the time DH and I and she and her BF went to our family birthday party for my son, are reassuring.
Why? Because you know she's still your friend even if she's thinking the romance layer over still? She's not going to bail on the friendship?