I don't want to be "poly." As I said in my intro post
, I feel like I can't (yet?) ID comfortably with that, as it seems (from reading people's thread and from the people I know) to not have the kind of fixed structure that I like. I've never had anything, specifically, against poly...I've just always felt it wasn't for me.
Enter this whole confusion where I'm still head-over-heels with a wonderful man with whom I've build a life (DH), and have these impossible-to-supress romantic-y feelings for my closest friend (CG). If she wasn't openly bi- and poly, I'd never have told her. If DH had said it wasn't something he could deal with, I'd never have told her. But, she is and he was, and now she and I are in that dunno-if-this-is-going-anywhere, lopsided-unrequited (maybe?) crush place that makes me want to yell and throw things a little bit, because I don't have information and I do better with more of that then less.
Whatever. I've managed to dredge up all of the guilt and shame that I was raised with, and it's dogging me a bit. I thought I had put it to bed permanently as DH and I started exploring the kink world a decade ago, but it's rearing like it never has before. I'm having nightmares where I'm getting reprimanded for breaking my marriage vows and where DH is yelling at me because I've already done the hold-hands/kiss-a-few-times thing with CG and he thinks it is unfair that he doesn't get to do that, too (In real life. he's contentedly not looking to date anyone, ever, especially as I have no real idea how I'd handle that or if I could be okay with it). With CG, I couldn't give less of a hell who she dates or sleeps with...with DH I still feel like I'd have a lot to work through before it was something I could even think about being okay with...if that ever even came up.
Part of me wants to apologize for all the shit I've brought up, ask them both to blame it on a new medication (there isn't one, and they both know that, but whatever) and see if we can try to go back to the really nice (if fraught, only on my end, with some "wanting" of her) orderly friendship that we had before. I know that isn't possible, though, so I'm not sure what I am supposed to do. I feel I can't call myself monogamous, not really, but have this uncomfortable reaction to the poly label...is there some sort of other wording that people use?