Originally Posted by CageyCate
Something I noticed: I am getting the sense that some view poly as you just do your thing and I do mine. In my house, we are in a life-long relationship. We do not operate our lives quite that independently, or have one foot out the door. We discuss everything. We check in with each other before and after dates and make sure what we are doing is in keeping with comfort and commitment levels. We have been together more than 20 years, are raising a child, and are committed to growing old(er) together. So, we don't just say, choose your secondary or choose me. That's just not our scenario.
My husband is first, always. And I am first with him. That's just how we operate.
I should also say that seeing people outside our marriage is more for dating enjoyment and less a "lifestyle" mandate. While we have caring feelings for those we date and love some of them in nurturing, non-posssessive kind of way, I would not say we are "in love" with them in any way close to the way we are in love with and committed to each other. So, our polyamory may differ from yours. I realize that some folks emphasize the "amory" more than others. Maybe you could describe me as more polysexual? I'm not sure the term. While I like having a primary secondary I really connect with -- that sounds awkward -- I may also have periodic dates with others, as might my husband (which I fully support), for whatever reason. New experiences? New connections? Doing things our regular secondary or primary is not into? Just plain fun?
I'm really hoping this forum has more breadth of attitudes than what you've seen so far. I'm new here, too, and what you describe as your version of poly sounds nice to me. My spouse and I put each other first. My wife explicitly gave me veto power not just regarding the person she's interested in, but over the concept. She offered to return to our strict monogamy if I wanted, at any time, if I need that. We have kids, we built OUR LIFE for the last decade-plus, and it can grow and change, but nothing can be allowed to damage it or substantively detract from it.