I'm curious about this, GG. To which sorts of things does it apply? To me, patience while people work on growth and self-improvement is part of love.
I agree, patience is important. But endless
patience is not a right.
They're things I learn about within the first few month and then decide whether or not to accept in the relationship. If I decide to accept them, I don't think it's fair to keep bringing them up unless they start to regress.
I agree, and that's what I'm talking about.
That time in new relationships ( to me that's in the 6-24 mos bracket of NRE time ending and the relationship gets serious) where boundaries are being established, people are learning each others wants, needs, and limits and are setting up foundation skills like how to communicate, how to resolve conflict.
In that early relationship time period, the "right to responsiveness" and the "right to clear communication" would be something that could be a deal breaker for me. (You can click on my name to get the full list of my own preferences in relationship.)
I expect my partner to talk to me in appropriate ways, to respond when I ask what is going on. I don't want to be shut out, and I don't want to be a mind reader. But how can one have a relationship with there's no back and forth relating happening?
In this particular case? One problem the OP is posting about is one partner who seems really angry all the time, causes "fire starter arguments" and being pretty fed up with this behavior. Like picking a fight on purpose? That's not a healthy conflict resolution style for a long term relationship. Conflict does not have to be all out war with a partner. It is opportunity for growth and understanding. You may not agree, but you can try to see things from the other guy's point of view and deal with conflict calmly.
If the partner is trying to find new ways communicate and putting in effort, ok. We don't have to expect perfection from the get go! We can be patient as they try to read, learn new techniques, deal with anger better, etc.
But if the partner is not putting any effort at all to address this behavior? Continues to lash out even after being told this is hurtful? Does the OP want to spend eternity with this partner where every future conflict becomes a volatile ordeal to have to get through? That's very draining. It is not loving, kind behavior.
OP could bring it up X times. See if it changes or reasonable effort is being made. I choose 3, she could choose, 5 times, 10. Whatever. Just have some kind of limit. And if limit is reached and it just is not changing and no effort being made? Break it off, or accept this will never change here and is part of the price of admission to be in a relationship with this person.
I think people in loving relationship deserve to be treated with loving, kind behavior. They do not have to put up with shenanigans that are hurtful to their well being.