Ok, thanks for more info.
So since you have been going out as friends already and you have a crush on the Laura person, I could see where you would suggest you deepening that. But that's still deepening YOU AND LAURA's relationship. Not everyone jump into group sex!
What is your WIFE after here? Swinging? She sounded keen on sexual adventures and willing for you to have them too, but not so keen when the Laura person pops up as a potential for you. Then it's in the land of "real relationship" for wife and not a swing thing? Is that the objection?
What are YOU after here? Monoamory? Monogamy? Willingness to explore polyamory but not swinging?
I still think you guys could get each of your wants, needs, and limits articulated well. What are hard limits -- that will never change? What are soft limits that could change in time? What are you willing to tolerate? What are you not willing to tolerate? What are the dealbreakers?
Maybe even get it all written down on paper. Then compare and see what, if any, lines up or not.
Opening the marriage does not mean Open on her end of things only and your remain monoamorous and monogamous to her (Unless this is what you wish for yourself) or that you keep it to "swing only" because that's what she can handle or would prefer you do.
It is one thing for YOU to decide for yourself what you want in your romances. It is another for HER to make unilateral decisions for the couple and you have no voice at all in the things that concern you
It is your marriage too -- it concerns you. Future relationships you are in -- that concerns you. You guys could face some heavy boundaries issues in future if you don't get that sorted out.
As you to sort yourselves out, you could consider doing it much slower. This kind of pacing alarms me:
- Early this year (2012), she approached me and told me that she had feelings for a male coworker and that she needed to tell me about it. I was completely devestated. My entire world seemed to be crashing down.
- 4 months later, she told me that she wasn't happy, she didn't know why and wasn't sure she wanted to be married anymore. By this point, I was completely destroyed. My heart was broken and I didn't know what to do. She assured me that she would try to figure her feelings out before making any decisions. The relationship was tenuous at best and I had to get myself into counseling. I was near suicidal.
- Dec 1 ish: we were talking and she told me that she thinks she's figured out what she wants. She went on to explain that life is short and she wants to experience things with other men that aren't me. She told me she loves me more than anyone else, but that she didn't see love and sex as being the same thing. (implied: she wants to swing)
- 12/04 you open this thread.
- 12/05 intense talk with wife
- 12/07 you "lose it" from the stress of probs with your mom and then probs with wife. Wife also sees doc and gets bad news.
- "Just over a week since news" somewhere she sees the neuro and is ok, and you guys go back to talking about Opening
- 12/22 you bring up the foursome and wife is not happy on that suggestion. Is is because it is not a swing thing but a relationship deepening thing then?
Have you been able to find a counselor? When you were near suicidal at the start of the year -- I am concerned this break neck speed is no good for your own mental health. You are already in a tough line of work (police)!
You have to put your own oxygen mask on first here.