I guess I feel like if she wants me to feel comfortable with everything, maybe she should make some concession to what would be helpful to me even if it isn't something she is super interested in.
I would not suggest a foursome.
Why can't it be a dinner/movie date with this couple to "try it on" in a safe way if you want to try a small Opening? End it with a hug/kiss good night and then take time out to digest it.
Why does it have to be just leaping into group sex because this couple propositioned you in the past? Can you see how over the top that can seem?
I am not really upset about that, it is more the immediate reaction of "not no, but hell no" that I was hurt by. I was distraught when she told me about her desires at first, but I calmly listened, didn't shoot her down, make her feel bad or judge her for her feelings. When I voiced my thoughts, I wasn't afforded that same courtesy and THAT is what makes me upset.
Perhaps you guys can look into non-violent communication
I have often sacrificed or stifled my own desires for that of my family. I think the results of that over the last 12 years are crashing down upon me now. I need to find my own voice, find my own self-esteem... within me. Only then will I be secure in myself and have a better idea of what I can handle in the way of outside partners (hers or mine). To sum it up, I'm still confused, but I have a plan to become a more enlightened, better me. The outcome between she and I doesn't matter as much as me being in a better place to deal with it, whatever it may be.
Sounds like you have zeroed in a key thing here in your own personal growth.
If you haven't been choosing self respecting behavior and trying to be too "people pleaser" at your own expense, no wonder you are feeling bone dry. It is not self respecting to run yourself to the ground. That's not self caring at all. It leads to lacking in the self-esteem department.
You sound like you are making some headway in your processing -- I hope things keep moving along.
Hang in there.
at this time = closed married polyship of 2 with DH.
Chronic patient = fuzzy brain at times. (If I make no sense in a post, just PM me and I'll happily try to clarify it later.)