What to Do When You Hate Your Metamour?
Hey all. I'm new to this board but not new to polyamory. My husband's been poly for 4-5 years. Me for about two.
Here's my dilemna: I hate the ex-lover of my husband and he wants to start up with her again after a three-year hiatus.
My question: If I hate her (and I mean the type of hate reserved for child molestors and serial killers), can this possibly work? If so, how can I or we make it work? And I just can't make it work, it is okay to say, I'm truly sorry hon, but I just can't do it?
The back story: We are college sweethearts. Married more than 20 years. One teenager together. Very much in love and each seeing a secondary and we all get along. His gf is single. My bf is married.
Before we were poly, about five years ago, husband and his ex-lover had an affair, I found out. I was devastated. They stopped (or so they told me; I later found out this was not true) and then about 8 months later he asked for an open relationship and asked to see her. I was not thrilled but consented. I was not poly and was not interested in seeing anyone but loved my husband and realized this was important to him and agreed to try it and see with certain rules. Plus, I did not like her for personal reasons and because she lied to me and tried to break up my marriage (yes, she admitted that she wanted him to leave me. Her husband found out about the affair and kicked her out).
So, they dated for a year. She pushed the boundaries at every turn, always wanting more and hoping he would leave me but pretending otherwise. He was clear about the rules and that if she could not get along with me, that was a deal breaker. Eventually it ended in major drama on her part and accusing me of all manner of Machiavellilan machinations. Only some of which were true ;)
However, he really liked spending time with her. And even though they broke up more than two years ago, she pestered him for over a year to get back together and he still misses her.
Which brings us to today. My husband has a healthy relationship with a great gal. No drama, but also higher maintenance. He would rather spend time with ex-lover, or at least add her into the mix. However, I simply can't stand the thought of her in our lives again. My blood pressure actually rises and I see red. I sincerely wish her ill. The year they dated was the hardest of my life.
I try to play this out in my head. What if I have no contact with her? If we are just honest and say we don't like each other and we won't interact? Would that work? How do I get around the feeling of contempt for my husband's interest in someone universally looked down upon my our social circle and whom I do not trust and who causes me such anxiety because she is such a disruptive force?
So, I guess what I am asking is, do I have to suck it up because it's not my gf, it's his? Or do I exercise veto power -- which I don't like to do obviously because I want my husband to be happy -- and say, honey, I truly wish the thought of her in your life did not make my blood boil, but it does.
Thanks for any insights.