View Single Post
Old 12-23-2012, 05:18 AM
amk amk is offline
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 26

Originally Posted by Arrowbound View Post
Side note - I believe I have always had poly-leaning tendencies but just never called them that, or thought there was a name for them.
This concerns me a little; I never seriously considered poly before my wife brought it up. I have been completely content with her and only her. That said, I am working hard to remain open minded and give what she wants (or seems to want) real and honest consideration.

Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Having a foursome (casual sex) is not the best doorway to polyamory (a longer lasting, romantic relationship which could have a sexual component in it.) Could that have turned her off when you said that? Not just because she doesn't want group sex, but because it sounded like it was sex only?
The foursome I suggested are close mutual friends of ours that are married and have been poly in the past and are currently poly-closed (hopefully I got that terminology right! LOL).

My comfort level with poly is a major issue (obviously) and I thought that being with people that I am already comfortable with would help. Perhaps that was a mistake. I thought that since we already know them and have a close relationship with them (they have posed a foursome to us before) that it might be good for me, regardless of what my wife wants.

I guess I feel like if she wants me to feel comfortable with everything, maybe she should make some concession to what would be helpful to me even if it isn't something she is super interested in.

Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
What behaviors of hers make insecure feelings well up in you?
Right now, when she talks about specific people she wants to have sex with, it makes me feel insecure for a host of reasons. I have been through a lot in the last year (medically, physically, emotionally, spiritually) and I don't have a lot of "coping mechanism" leftover. I feel like I can't satisfy her needs, so she needs to go elsewhere (that sums it up pretty well).

Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Not willing to listen/talk fairly? Anything else?
What behaviors of yours make insecure feelings well up in you? Clinging and looking to her to be your self esteem meter?
She never seems to want to discuss anything I'm interested in. It's nearly always all about her (which is a polar switch to a year ago). After 12 years, it's really destructive to my self-esteem to have my absolute best friend in the world no longer expressing the same compassion, empathy, desire and love (seemingly) as she used to. She has always been a major anchor point for my ego and self-esteem. Also, I am in a very ego driven field where I need to put on a mask regardless of how I actually feel and be professional (police). Now, I feel stripped of that ability and everything is just RAW all the time.

Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Maybe if you list more out it could help point to areas that need resolution? You sound like you found something of a path.
I am working on a plan to rid myself of the tether from my ego to her view of me through self-reliance and self-discovery. I have often sacrificed or stifled my own desires for that of my family. I think the results of that over the last 12 years are crashing down upon me now. I need to find my own voice, find my own self-esteem... within me. Only then will I be secure in myself and have a better idea of what I can handle in the way of outside partners (hers or mine). To sum it up, I'm still confused, but I have a plan to become a more enlightened, better me. The outcome between she and I doesn't matter as much as me being in a better place to deal with it, whatever it may be.

Thanks all, for listening.
Reply With Quote