I'm with Nyc. They knew you were looking for more than sex, and this sounds an awful lot like a couple searching for just some threesomes and then on the run. Maybe I'm wrong though.
If you'd really like to keep trying, as others have said, you'll have to go through the wife. I'd try talking to her. One thing I noticed.
I would say I don't mind being a secondary right now, but would like to be equals in the far future
Women, I have noticed, have an incredible sixth sense for detecting when someone is just looking to be there "for them" and when someone is looking to be "with them". I don't want to word it as "submissive", because that gives the connotation it's sexual ect--but if she's very territorial, she might be thinking this relationship was going to work with her as the "boss". When you expressed you wanted more, possibly becoming equal, she might have freaked a bit.
Sit down, talk, let her feel you out some more. Be as honest as possible, but what I'd warn you against is being overly "secondary", just to try and please her--if that's not what you want in the long run. You'll only end up hurting yourself. But I have the strongest feeling that is what she wants.