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Old 12-22-2012, 04:35 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Oh, no, I wasn't being accusatory. Sorry if it sounded that way but I wasn't sure how to voice that viewpoint. Yes, sometimes forums are very difficult medium to express concepts and thoughts on situations. I am just musing on it all, as a way to shed a little light on a different perspective. I know you wrestled with your trepidations about him simultaneously with wanting her to know she had the freedom to make her own decision.

I was asking sincerely, "Do you think she listened to you and dropped it out of fear of reprisals from you, or of making you unhappy, thereby having forfeited her own agency in the matter?" I wasn't necessarily assuming that was the case, but posing it as a possibility. I suppose one could say she did indeed make her own choice, but I was just wondering if it was more for you than for herself, after she heard your misgivings about him.

"And now she'll never know" was not meant to imply that you demanded anything, but rather that she decided to back away from it (knowing it would probably please you), rather than take a chance (which might displease you) and see if there was any potential there before nixing him. I wonder what she would have done if you had remained silent about your concerns. And that is what she will never know. Not an accusation.

I'm curious - which parts of my previous post did you agree with or think had some validity? Is it where I asked if you might be a bit overprotective of her?
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 12-22-2012 at 04:39 AM.
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