Originally Posted by nycindie
Hmm, that's too bad. I wonder if she didn't feel empowered enough to pursue it with him anyway and make her own choice about whether or not he was a good fit for her. Do you think she listened to you and dropped it out of fear of reprisals from you, or of making you unhappy, thereby having forfeited her own agency in the matter?
I am a solo, so I'm not entangled with a partner, but to my mind, nobody is required to like or get along with their metamour, nor expect that their partner relate to the person in the same way they do. I would hate to be involved with someone who couldn't stand on their own two feet with their partner and stick up for being with me, if a guy I was going out with had an SO who objected for some reason.
The fact is, even though his personality clashes with yours or some behaviors of his bugged you, you have no idea how enriching, inspiring, or fun a relationship with him could have been for her -- and now she'll never know that either. Perhaps she would have handled issues with him, that you see as problematic, in ways that would have been good for both him and her. You and she are two different people, you know. Can you trust that she can make her own decisions and see things from her own perspective, which is just as valid as yours? Were you, perhaps, being a bit too over-protective of her?
Ha ha, I think you've got the wrong idea of the situation. Perhaps I explained it poorly. He's still a very good mutual friend to both of us, and we hang out with him often. I'm certainly doing nothing to stand in the way of them communicating or being close. And her interest in him was pretty mild, and not even really romantic. She had no intention of pursuing a partnership with him.
I appreciate the input, and agree with you on some parts of what you said, but your advice comes off as a bit accusatory. I believe I mentioned earlier in the thread that I told her to go ahead with it despite my discomfort, saying I didn't want my own feelings rational or not, to interfere with their closeness. She refused since she was on the fence about whether to get closer to him at all, and she didn't want to make me uncomfortable.
You saying "and now she'll never know that" implies that I had somehow cut off their contact with each other, which is not at all the case.
I'm sure you meant well, but I feel as though my description of the situation was sorely misunderstood. Perhaps it was pointless to post details of a specific situation on a forum to begin with. It's very difficult for people to understand what's going on in a situation without being there and only being given a brief summary of certain points.