So I decided not to blog here until I sorted things out with Ella. I kinda have and kinda haven't. I wrote The Letter (or at least A Letter) but haven't posted it. I don't think it's saying enough yet. Ah, crud. I feel like I've got gumboots stuck in mud over this. It's effortful and I don't even know why. We're long-distance and we don't have the juice to get the engine started.
Have had some conversations with her online, including Skype a couple of times. It's been pleasant enough, but there's this thing
... I guess, I really need to know how exactly it makes her feel that I don't have a sex drive as such for her. I enjoy sex with her but I don't need it, maybe? Well, touching her doesn't set me on fire. We're not that kind of flint together. We're the wrong sticks rubbing the wrong way if we plan to get the water boiled. Christ... how did I get here? The things I love about Ella are not things that I need to explore in a sexual context. Add to that, long distance, and, well, I'm left with a puddle of hmm.
The good news (maybe?) is she's here, tomorrow. Visiting family for Christmas/New Year. Grotto and I are taking her out for a picnic in the afternoon (I'm making sangria) and, yeah. We had really hot threesomes and I'm feeling like we'll end up tumbling into bed. Hopefully somewhere in all that I can get some kind of clarity with what the fuck is going on. I'd rather have no expectations on our relationship (Ella's and mine) apart from friendship/pen pals/casual sex... and probably not really the latter, cos I don't usually seek that out with anyone, and in any case, long-distance
Rewind to the awkwardness of my last visit, Ella said "I wanna make love to you"... it was really sweet, but something didn't connect for me. I think it's the way she behaves sexually makes me feel like she has a different shape to me in that respect. I don't get it, I don't get it, waaah!
Hopefully after our weekend meet-up/tryst all will be worked out. I think I need a pre-conversation about this with Grotto so he knows where I'm at. I'm in charge of the picnic. Ella said she's "looking forward to submitting to my plans". Ok, let me be honest, that turned me on. Grotto said "me too". Mm. This could be the best break-up sex ever
On the other hand, I could be a callous bitch. I'm kind of assuming Ella doesn't have her heart on a plate for me. It's hard to tell. We're... crumbs. Really. Okay, I'm circling back to where I began with this. Time to move on.
* Bert & Menrva are away overseas for six weeks. M & Ocean missing each other a bit, but chatting and Skyping when they can. We have the keys to their apartment and it's been great to have access when we're that side of town, or have wanted time apart. Also, internet was down at our place for about a week, and I appreciated being able to use theirs. Actually have been meaning to write and thank them for that, must make sure I do that.
* Grotto's fallen, hard, for this smokin hawt chick Bijou. She really likes him too but doesn't want a serious relationship at the moment, for various reasons. G doesn't know quite how to take that and is feeling rather grazed... They're taking it as casually as possible for now.
I dig her, we've made out a few times. She's sincerely voyeuristic and I think it's only a matter of time before we see what it's like to make one warm pool with our two/three naked bodies. I'm in no rush though. Have plenty of other things I wanna do with my days and nights
* Grotto & I had a heated confrontation about a tendency of mine that was causing him a lot of hurt. It probably deserves its own post. Actually, yeah, it does. *flags for later*
* Holidays!!! Ocean and I are going camping for a week at a music festival. We leave in the evening on the 25th. Hoping to get the practicalities sorted by tomorrow lunchtime so the lead-up isn't so hectic. I have some family obeisance on Christmas day which needs to be worked around spending time with Grotto before O & I make our evening flight. Here's hoping