My name is Jess
I have basically felt that I was polyamorous since I was a teenager, but didn't have a name for it and made no attempts to understand it. Over the last few years I've opened my mind a bit more to it, but tonight's the first time I really browsed the forum to see how it applies in real life.
I am going through a divorce right now. It's going to take me a long time to heal or want to start another relationship, but I want to understand and accept myself and the unusual way my mind/heart seems to form multiple bonds with no confusion, crossing of emotions, or fading. So that when I am whole again, I'll accept that I'm poly instead of trying to commit myself to a monogamous situation.
Which brings me to the situation that has driven me here tonight. I have been seeing an old friend for a few months now. We have been friends for about 6 years, give or take, and he has been dear to me the entire friendship. Time and circumstance have never affected what this man means to me. What first started out as a friends-with-benefits mutual rebound session has turned into something.. else. Since it very quickly evolved into something that I was not prepared for, and still feel incapable of coping with.. I am not sure how to proceed. He is hard-wired for monogamy. His past and his willingness to attempt has shown this, he's tried it, it's a bad experience for him. I am not at all suited to monogamy, and we all know where the rest of the story goes. The thought of me having interest in or becoming involved with anyone else is incredibly painful for him. So I'm here to try to find a way to proceed. Not sure which would hurt more. If we walked away from this and were left wanting each other through life, or if we tried to find a way to work with our differences. My biggest priority is not hurting him. I've been thinking about this almost constantly.
I'm going to continue to read the forum over the next few days, but if anyone can link me to particular threads that would be helpful, I would appreciate the time it would save me. I have read many of the "gold nugget" threads tonight.