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Old 12-20-2012, 09:04 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

Originally Posted by FreeSpirit View Post
I did communicate my concerns about him pretty thoroughly, and she did decide to not pursue it further, though I think it was more out of concern for my desires than out of my caution about the person himself.

I remain friends with him because he's not a bad person at all, he can just be immature . . . I've elected to just be wary about letting him TOO close.

Sometimes I think I feel too obligated to accept things I dislike and get used to them rather than trying to keep them out of my life.

The conflict that this particular situation caused is resolved I think. I just wonder how people in the community tended to deal with stuff like this. I know I might potentially be bothered by a partner interfering with who I wanted to be close to, and I don't want to be a hypocrite about it.
Hmm, that's too bad. I wonder if she didn't feel empowered enough to pursue it with him anyway and make her own choice about whether or not he was a good fit for her. Do you think she listened to you and dropped it out of fear of reprisals from you, or of making you unhappy, thereby having forfeited her own agency in the matter?

I am a solo, so I'm not entangled with a partner, but to my mind, nobody is required to like or get along with their metamour, nor expect that their partner relate to the person in the same way they do. I would hate to be involved with someone who couldn't stand on their own two feet with their partner and stick up for being with me, if a guy I was going out with had an SO who objected for some reason.

The fact is, even though his personality clashes with yours or some behaviors of his bugged you, you have no idea how enriching, inspiring, or fun a relationship with him could have been for her -- and now she'll never know that either. Perhaps she would have handled issues with him, that you see as problematic, in ways that would have been good for both him and her. You and she are two different people, you know. Can you trust that she can make her own decisions and see things from her own perspective, which is just as valid as yours? Were you, perhaps, being a bit too over-protective of her?
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Last edited by nycindie; 12-20-2012 at 09:07 PM.
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