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Old 12-20-2012, 07:54 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Canada
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Originally Posted by AJ1 View Post
You can't choose your parents or grandparents. And even if I could, I prefer more give and take in relationships.
You can't choose your family. But if your family is toxic, you can choose to distance yourself from them. I fully endorse this. If your parents are selfish and uncaring, then you can and should break that relationship. You grow up and form your own family.

When I love someone, I want them to be happy - and all the better if I can be the cause of that happiness.
Oh, me too. I want my loved ones to be happy. But I'm under no delusions that I'm doing that selflessly. If it didn't bring you joy to see them happy, can you sincerely say your choices would be the same?

Yes, occasionally that means setting aside what I might want in this very instance. That's not the worst thing in the world. I know they would do the same for me.

And I disagree that it comes down to self-esteem. I can see where it might in some cases (someone co-dependent *needing* to be liked), but sometimes love means not being selfish every minute of the day. *Needing* to have everything on your own terms all the time can be caused by low self-esteem as well.
Good point; I was referring more to people who feel they need to make everyone happy at the cost of their own happiness. In your case (and mine), the happiness of your loved ones brings you happiness. But I maintain that there's still an element of selfishness to that. If you didn't care about them, you wouldn't care if they were happy, and it wouldn't be worth your trouble to cater to their whims just because they want it.

Because trying gets better results than not, and at the very least expresses that you care. We'll never fully eliminate crime, does that mean there is no value in trying?
In my experience, trying to please everyone does not get better results. It gets an exhausted me, and a whole bunch of people who are unsatisfied that I didn't try hard enough. So rather, in each situation, I pick who I'm going to satisfy. Then I satisfy them to the best of my ability. I satiate the others by telling them that there will be another situation where it will be them who I satisfy. Sure, if possible, I'll satisfy as many people as possible. But sometimes that's just impossible. You can't be in three places at once. So pick one place, and be fully present there.

Myself, I would rather have someone's full and undivided attention one third of the time, than 1/3 of their attention all the time.
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.
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