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Old 12-20-2012, 07:00 PM
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PolyLinguist PolyLinguist is offline
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Location: Vancouver, BC, Canada
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As usual, I have a different take on things. The problem, in my view, is not being poly, or not being good at time management. It is the unfortunate tendency to base everything on momentary feelings, on the lack of willingness to make one's priorities clear, and on catering to every whim of other people as something worth catering to. So, in my opinion:

Quote:
Originally Posted by hellokitty View Post
How do you deal with it?

My parents want me to come over Xmas eve, my bf wants me to spend all of Xmas day with his family, and my Gf expects me home on Xmas as well. She is feeling especially needy because she doesn't really have a family to spend time with for holidays. It's always been a tradition for me to be with my bf on Xmas because it is the anniversary of our first date. Also his extended family always invites us all over for lunch that day.
I don't know the whole story here, but it sounds like your relationship with your bf and his family is the closest to a long-term, family relationship you have. If you are at all like me, this is your priority relationship. Therefore you spend Xmas with your bf and you go to lunch with his parents. There is nothing wrong with tradition, if it's a worthwhile tradition.

Your gf presumably knew that you had a bf when she took up with you. In an analogous situation, I would certainly make it clear to a potential gf that I had a family, and that certain family traditions are sacred to me, and I would never abandon them for anyone outside the family. These would be part of my "boundaries", and if the potential gf didn't want to go along with them, she would be well advised not to take up with me.

I call your gf's attitude as the "waif" syndrom, and I am quite aware of this even before entering a relationship with a "waif". I actually came close a few months ago, and I backed out. Desire is one thing, decency is another.

A waif in this context is someone with no or little warmth and affection in his/her life who gets involved with someone who does have warmth and affection in his/her life, and then gets hurt because (s)he cannot get to the level of closeness (s)he desires. I may feel sorry for a waif, but not so sorry that I will abandon or weaken my existing relationships. Doesn't she have parents she can spend Christmas/New Year with? No? Another poly friend then? Presumably she is poly, after all.

For me, Christmas/New Year were always special times. I spent them with my parents (fortunately still alive then) before I was married, and with my wife (and kids when they came along) ever since. Every single Christmas time in my life. I am not going to throw this over, ever. When I was single, I wondered at times what I would do if I had no-one special at Christmas time - say my parents were dead, and I had no live-in girlfriend. Well, this is what I'd do: go on a nice solo holiday, as far as my finances would allow. Preferably to a tropical, non-Christian country, where Christmas day is just another day. Say, Thailand or Sri Lanka, when not in the middle of a civil war.

Quote:
Originally Posted by hellokitty View Post
The other issue is I am self employed - I don't get paid on salary. Xmas eve & day are two of the biggest days for business in my line of work. I wanted to fit in at least 2-4 hours of working time.
Your bf will understand, and make allowances for this. We all have to make a living. I would never have stayed with anyone, for any length of time, who would have thought of my work time as something she had to compete with.

Quote:
Originally Posted by hellokitty View Post

I just feel like no matter what I do someone's going to get hurt and take it out on me either with over dramaticizing and saying things they don't mean about my feelings for them, or taking it out passive aggressively, or holding an internal grudge and unleashing it weeks later. :/
We all encounter people who use emotional blackmail to manipulate us. My mother, whom I loved dearly, was a bit like that. When I was unattached, I was ready to compromise - she was my mother, after all. Once I had firm attachments, my readiness to compromise with her diminished. No parent should expect their child to sacrifice his/her long-term happiness on the altar of filial obligation. I have children of my own, and I fully expect them to start spending Christmas/New Year with someone else, should they find someone worth their while. But then they seem to like me, and would probably make an effort to spend the holidays with us, at least some of the time.

Last edited by PolyLinguist; 12-20-2012 at 07:06 PM.
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