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Old 12-20-2012, 06:19 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Originally Posted by SJJ View Post
It is like in whatever state he was in after our 'talk' was making it difficult for him to not slip back into cheating behavior - something never needed with me ever - rather than just be honest.
Learned behaviour is difficult to change. Old habits die hard. Practice lying enough, it becomes second nature. For someone like that, he doesn't even think about lying, he just does it automatically.

Originally Posted by SJJ View Post
I feel like he was maybe slowly coming back to us being 'us' after his trip and I am hoping that asking those questions about her (where I have previously not mentioned her since the trip) hasn't set us back. I do think though, I have a right to be hurt and I feel like I have no where to express that without damaging things further.
To me, that's a red flag. Whenever my husband and I have a "difficult talk," it brings us closer together in the end. It doesn't drive us apart.

For this to work, he has to want to communicate. He has to understand the value of honesty. Right now, it doesn't sound like he does. It sounds like he thinks relationships can be successful if you just put your head in the sand and pretend that everything is okay. It doesn't work that way.

My other concern is that he's practised at only showing his partners what they want to see. He showed his wife a devoted, honest, monogamous husband. That man does not exist. How can you be certain that the man you thought he was exists, either?

Originally Posted by SJJ View Post
So, I'll see what really happens. I'm not wearing blinders on the issues. He was told pretty firmly that if I do find out anything else has been kept from me (told him that omission is indeed lying) I would leave him. I don't want that to be the result but I will do it.
The thing is, he's already been there. Lying is second nature for him.

Your threat only makes him more likely to be careful. You've put him right back in the same position as when he was married. You're telling him "you can't just do whatever you want. You need to be accountable." He doesn't want those limitations. He wants to do whatever he wants. He doesn't want to be accountable. So his response will likely be to make sure he doesn't get caught.

On one hand, you tell him it's okay to be nonmonogamous with you. But as soon as you "have" him, you change the rules. You tell him you now want monogamy. You didn't mean it as permanent, but that's not how it would have come across. You changed the rules to make your relationship more like the marriage in which he was trapped. So he changed his behaviour to be more like the husband he was in that marriage.

So where do you go from here?

You don't trust him to tell the truth. He needs to earn that trust with complete transparency: giving you permission to access his facebook, phone, and e-mail.

He doesn't trust you to be truly comfortable with nonmonogamy. You need to earn that trust with permission that you don't retract when life gets tricky. For where he is right now, if he's going to learn that polyamory can work, he needs to do it on his terms. From your perspective, boundaries are reasonable. I agree. However, for him, right now, those boundaries are more likely to make him return to his old ways.
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.
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