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Old 12-20-2012, 10:32 AM
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samines samines is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: (Mountain-y, western) NC.
Posts: 28
Default More stuff going on....

Updates to my story!

Tonight, and why I logged on to type: as of about 4 hours ago, I am no longer a "never-been-kissed" girl.
If I need to come up with nicknames to use on here, this is Cute Guitar Guy. We had a sort of date tonight, we did music for a little while and mostly sat around talking. And he asked if he could kiss me, and I said yeah, and... I don't know. We kissed, I went home, I've been awake for hours trying to decide if I liked it.

I've been able to divide the people I'm interested in into two groups- the ones I fall "head over heels" for, would do pretty much anything for, and desire emotionally/physically pretty much without limit- and then the other people- the ones I like. Somewhere between "kinda like" and "maybe really like". The confusing thing is, no one has jumped the gap yet. Of the people that "I like", some of whom I've dated, it never turned into the burning passion/limitless devotion that I know with the former group. And of the former group, I've fallen almost straight away every time.
I would guess that I'm capable of liking someone, and then later falling for them- "that's how normal people work, right?"- but it hasn't happened yet. And now I've gone and let Cute Guitar Guy (who I like, but am not passionately-unreasonably in love with) kiss me.

Any insight on what's going on here? Do I have some fantastic instinct as to how well I "click" with someone, so I either start falling early or I don't ever- or am I somehow preventing myself from getting to "into" the people in the "like" group? From a logical standpoint- I think the people I've fallen in love with are fantastic people with fantastic personalities, and the people I've sorta liked are either "just okay" or someone else's version of fantastic. On the other hand, the people I've fallen for are also the ones I "can't have"- older than me & I was underage; lived far away & medical issues & mono-not-single; older than me & didn't want to be outed as poly... while the people I'm hesitant to get to involved with were my available peers.

So, maybe I have high standards and I'm lucky enough to have already met people who fit them, and everyone else is nice enough but sub-par. Maybe I'm a commitment-phobe and unwilling to invest in something that seems like it could actually happen... Maybe I'm scared that if a relationship isn't an uphill battle, I won't know what it's really worth to me. Maybe some combination thereof?
Maybe I need to stop worrying so much. Let go, see what feels right. That decision got me into this tonight, though- getting kissed. Not sure if I liked it. CGG likes me more than I like him, I think... is it odd that I'd be more comfortable thinking he kinda-likes-me and mostly kissed me because he likes kissing cute girls? 'Cause I would. Maybe part of my deal is that I like to set things up so I'm more likely to get hurt than to hurt someone else. Anyhow, I'm not positive how much he likes me and I'm not really sure how much I like him. Something draws me to CGG, but only a little bit. And I've set the bar really high. I've felt wild, maybe-illogical-but-nonetheless-real love and lust, so this mild-indifference... I could give it a chance, if it'll go somewhere. And honestly I want to give it a chance because damn it, I'm lonely! But I'm not sure if I believe anything will really change.

As for the kiss itself- well, it was a sorta-awkward-kiss of someone who's never been kissed before, and a tentative too-soon kiss that lost out on the element of anticipation. But I've yet to hear a good first kiss story, and as it goes, I'm not sure I don't want him to kiss me again. I just... don't know.
I don't know.
__________________
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19.
Gender-fluid.
Single.
Omnisexual. (I am attracted to males, females, and any variation/in-between/lack thereof, but I am not "gender blind" which most pansexuals describe themselves as.)
Polyamorous.
Overuses smiley faces.

Me on OKcupid: https://okcupid.com/profile/hmdboots
Me on fetlife: https://fetlife.com/users/2037963
(send me a message before sending a friend request)

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