Perhaps that is part of why I am so anxious to make this work. To somehow not have done something morally wrong for no real end result. I don't know.
Sigh. Make peace with that. It was poor judgement, but don't beat up on yourself. Forgive yourself, raise the standards bar. Move it forward. Choose to expect more from yourself and deliver.
Don't just stay to "make up" for the cheating start. Two wrongs don't make right. You staying in a relationship that does not meet your needs is not healthy, and it just continues
the self-disrespecting behavior. Respect yourself more than that.
You alone cannot MAKE it work. You hold up your end of agreements and he holds up his end of agreements. Then it naturally works because both are sharing the load of relationship responsibilities.
You went against "that part of my brain" before in cheating start. Don't go against it now that you are returning toward being in right relationship with yourself.
Focus on behavior done/not done. See what happens:
- You do what you said you would do.
- See if he follows through on his things he said he would do.
If he hits your limit? Honor and respect YOURSELF and walk away. You deserve better treatment -- and it starts with you treat you better and not tolerating disrespect either from him or from you.
You raise self respect by the behavior you choose. That in turn feeds your self esteem. It's hard to think much of yourself when you pick poor behavior. That inner critic is LOUD. But you can shut it up and reduce the volume when you have list of good behaviors you have chosen TODAY. Can't change the past, but can learn from it, change your present, and face the future with your chin up.
You can do this. You have worth, dignity and value.
Let yourself shine.
I have faith in you. Hang in there.