Fuckfuckfuck, I can't even look at my stupid tumblr dashboard because it's full of images of male sexual submission. And I love that shit, duh, that's why I follow a bunch of blogs that post it, but all I can think about is her wanting a dude more than she wants me. About the idea that if I just had a fucking cock and a smooth chest she'd want me more. FUCK.
In forty-eight hours we'll be in bed together, so why am I freaking out. She's told me that she's plotting things for the threesome, presumably D/s things, but she won't tell me what, it's terribly exciting and awesome so why. Am. I. Freaking. Out.
I think I just feel like I've been so patient, I've been so goddamn patient and chill and I've enjoyed what we've been able to have, and I've been cool with needing to be the one to initiate, it's all been fine, I've been fine, she's been going through changes and I've gotten that, I've handled it. Mostly. And I've known about her thing with feeling more heterosexual, but when I let myself stop and think about it it's just so scary and painful. Fuck. That it should matter, what my bits are. Why should it matter. Fuck. I am not my fucking genitalia. If I had a cock, would all of this hard, painful stuff about her not making the time that I've wanted, about missing our intimacy, would it not even have been an issue because she would have wanted me enough to make it work?
Don't mind me.
It's just nice to have a place to rant.
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
Last edited by AnnabelMore; 12-20-2012 at 06:32 AM.