Originally Posted by redpepper
I realize its stupidity on my part, but I am immersed in it just the same.
These and other words in your post have me thinking that you're judging yourself for having these thought-feelings which you don't think you should be having....
Try being compassionate toward yourself in this, accepting that this is indeed what you're feeling and that it's okay to feel whatever you feel. Be curious about the thought-feelings rather than holding yourself in contempt about it.
This will allow you to become more intimate with yourself and will open up possibilities of insight and healing.
Also, allow trusted other/s to help you to "process" this stuff. When you're ready and it feels okay to do so.