Originally Posted by InfinitePossibility
You talk about falling very quickly in love, of feeling secure with your boyfriend. My feeling on these sorts of very sudden feelings for strangers is that they say more about us then about the people. Maybe he reminds you of somebody who was lovable an who did give you security. His posture, way of moving, aftershave, dress sense - any of those could trick your brain into associating him with love and security. The problem is that our brains can be tricked like that. The reality of the new person may not match the reality of the person they are being associate with. So - in your shoes I'd be mistrustful of these feelings.
I doubt if you being happy with poly and clear with him that he is able to have sex and romance with other women will make any difference to the way he behaves. Having sex with others may not be cheating in the relationship you share with him but until they are addressed, he will still need an outlet for the habits he has created in his thoughts and action around settled relationships.
I don't your heart is safe with him. I think that the very early, deep feelings of love and safety you felt were projected onto him by your mind and body but that he is not worthy of them.
I wish you luck and strength.
All very good points here.
SJJ- I don`t think you 'deserve' bad things happening to you. In fact that statement sounds like some residual thinking from the abusive relationship.
I totally understand that you would have lingering and on-going work with things that haunt you from the abusive relationship. It is great you are looking at yourself, and your actions with an open mind. I do wonder, if you are attracting 'sad' situations to you, purely because that is your history for your last 2 loves. You lost the first one far too sudden and soon, and there is great sadness and grief with that, and the 2nd one tried to destroy you, just by it's very nature. That has it's own sadness and grief.
Sadness and grief can be very sneaky. It can slip on you like a comfortable blanket, and change your perception of what feels good around other people.