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Old 12-19-2012, 05:08 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,086

Well, I'm separated. So far I feel happy and relieved...not good signs for my marriage though. The thing I think I have to sort out is whether I wanted to try poly to "save my marriage" or because I wasn't getting my needs met in my relationship....or if it's something I really want to try myself.

How does one figure such a think out? haha.
I think you could be mixing things that don't need to mix. You could sort it out one layer at a time.

1) You are in a monogamous marriage and currently separated. Do you want to continue the marriage or not? Knowing the expectation here is monogamy? Look inside and just answer that part.

2) If not wanting to be in this monogamous marriage, and the terms of your marriage agreement cannot be changed so you can be married but ethically nonmonogamous? End it. He's not up for poly. You have the right to have your romances in the shape you want. So does he.

3) Be free to date. Seek a new ployship. Or seek a new monoship. Whatever shape relationship... One where your needs ARE met.

Poly is not going to save your marriage. Opening what is already broken just applies the cracks. If your needs are not met in the marriage, check if you have requested that those needs be met in a clearly communicated way. Is spouse willing to met the needs? Are they specific? Reasonable? Realistic? Doable?

If the main need is a conflict of core values that are not likely to change like he def wants a monogamous marriage and you do not? Neither wants to change or is able to change a core belief/value? The only way to keep those values and be healthy then is to not be married to each other. Try to be friends instead.

I know this is hard. Hang in there.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 12-20-2012 at 04:03 AM.
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