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Old 12-19-2012, 08:31 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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Originally Posted by duckiiee View Post
first of all thank you everyone for the wonderful advice!
I'm glad you feel helped.

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Originally Posted by duckiiee View Post
He is offering because he thinks it will make me feel better and he is sick of seeing me hurting.
Isn't he generous, to offer. (sorry, it ticks me off) He needs to a) comfort you, and b) tolerate your emotions

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Originally Posted by duckiiee View Post
I don't want to allow me to be the reason that this fails and he is unable to express his nature and needs.
Maybe you guys need to have more discussion and talk about what is and is not failure. Maybe your definition needs expanding. It's my understanding that often lovers come and go, if he and she end up not in relationship, that doesn't have to mean that 'poly' is a fail for you two/three. It could be that it's not a match, for any number of reasons.

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Originally Posted by duckiiee View Post
I have done a lot of research and I know now that I needed to make boundaries and that was part of the problem. I was expecting him to know what I needed and when I needed it instead of telling him what I needed. I also think that it was moving to fast for me to feel secure and told him so.
That's an excellent thing to know!

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Originally Posted by duckiiee View Post
November Rain: my goodness... i don't know how to start but thank you so much for your thuro and thought felt response.
I know that he is as new to this as me and has a hard time expressing his feelings to me. I also know he is a wonderful guy and is not doing any of this to hurt me or make me feel guilty.
It's not my intention to trip over the cat, but if I do, the cat (and I) get hurt just the same. My mother's therapist used to tell her, often, that good intentions and two quarters will get you a cup of coffee out of a machine.

My mother would wail at her therapist, 'but he loves me!' and her therapist would say, 'well, so can a goldfish, but what does that do for you?'

Quote:
Originally Posted by duckiiee View Post
He has told me that I am more important than him doing this but I also know this would make him feel fulfilled and happy and if it is my power to give it to him, I truly want to. From what I understand this is a hard road to take and I accept that and am not willing to give up.
I admire that in you. It's good that you know what you want to give, and what you're prepared to do to give it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by duckiiee View Post
I know that my insecurity and fear as led me to assume a ton of things he is feeling with out necessarily listening to what he is saying. I know that the listening issue has not been one sided and I am trying to realize that (consciously while talking to him) and listen to what he is truly saying not what I am interpreting from what he is saying (if that makes sense)
Makes a lot of sense to me, good on ya!

Quote:
Originally Posted by duckiiee View Post
I think he gets frustrated with me being hurt because he can't fix it. He can only help me to fix it myself. HE wants to be the one to do it though and does not understand why he can't.
That's where he needs to grow and expand. He needs to allow you your hurt. He needs to be okay with he can't fix it, or if he's not okay with it, he still needs to make space for you to do that ~ he needs to handle his not-okayness, and not make it your problem in addition to what's already on your plate.
Although, in my not-so-humble opinion, he does need to step up and realize that his very being upset at not fixing it, IS hurtful to you, and he needs to stop making that your problem. Really.

Quote:
Originally Posted by duckiiee View Post
I have worked through some of the touching issues that I was having by reminding my self every time that he is touching ME not her. I am not sure why that is helping but I know that I was feeling insecure that when he was touching me he was thinking of her (not because he said it or behaved in a manner to make me believe it).
I'm so glad you found a way to help yourself through that! That is a great reminder.
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Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who now lives in a house far away-with stairs I can't climb)
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