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Old 12-19-2012, 12:18 AM
SJJ SJJ is offline
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 18

This was an interesting one for me to read because I would think that most people that know me would think I have pretty great impulse control and would never at all question my ability to stick to my beliefs.

However, I think there some aspects of what you have said that are applicable if I look in the mirror. I broke my own rule. Okay, I had already fallen for him before my thick head registered he was married but I could have stopped it there. A part of me hesitates to say just yet that I should have because I really have not felt this depth of love and connection with a person since my first husband and there have been times in this relationship where it has left me a bit scared with how close this feeling is to the one with him.

I've never cheated in my life but I am very aware that helping somebody cheat is as bad even if you are in love and he is coming into his poly own, so to speak. Yes, it was wrong.

Do I still have a lot of pain from my first husband death? At times. It has been 8 years (I got married at 19) and his death was very sudden and in front of me and that certainly has given me abandonment issues and it is indeed after his death when I started to have anxiety attacks now and then.

What I will say that lingers more with me is the abusive relationship. That is really only two years in my past. I was silent through out most of what was happening to me so nobody knew until there was a particularly scary confrontation and I found a friend to confide in. Like a bad sweater, as soon as I told anybody my life unraveled and I had to leave. So, yes, I do have a bit of abused wife syndrome floating around in my head (my abuse was emotional but please don't take that as meaning low impact). The man I am with now, was the first man to make me feel safe in a very very long time. Now, I am struggling to not lose that feeling totally.

Yes, I guess I did snoop. Something, again, very against my character but in front of my face was rather clear evidence that I was being lied to and I guess I didn't fight the urge to click hard enough but once I did I didn't want to go further up and read more. Partly because I didn't want to have more words burned into my head and partly because I felt guilty. Really, guilty.

I believe you may be right that this is a consequence for not having fought my feelings for a married man even if he put leaving his wife into motion as soon as he figured out his feeling for me. No matter how it is said, it was wrong. The love, was and I hope still is, real though.

Maybe I deserve these feelings for now and I should swallow them and see how it plays out. Certainly, if it plays out badly I am going to have to go back to listening to my own rules no matter what. I just really do want my soulmate to return from his depressive jerk stage.

Originally Posted by SourGirl View Post

1st thought : You seem to have impulse/control issues. You have all these ideas of what you want and don`t want, but the minute a situation comes up, they all get put on the back-burner for whatever you feel in a moment.
You attracted a guy who is the same. And married. And not to you.

Good luck with that.

Do you feel you have always had a problem sticking to your beliefs, or do you feel it might be something that started occuring once your 1st husband died ? Do you still have a lot of pain from that ?

Side note : Why do people snoop, but restrict themselves part way into snooping ? I never really understood that. It doesn't make you any better then the person who reads everything. lol. Really ? ..If you are going to be insecure and snoopy, just do it already, and own it.
Don't cop-out half way through, to try and look noble.

Edit to add : Sorry, forgot to answer the title question.
No, I do not think these are poly growing pains. This is the price paid for cheating. I don`t really judge people's reasons for cheating, but there really is always a price to pay for that behaviour. Many times the cheater is at a confused state of life, and the person loving them on the outside, is the guinea pig.
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