A struggle I am having with my primary is being codependent. He complains about things that effect us both. I ask him to address the issues and he doesn't so I do.
What this does to us:
He is the good guy!
I am the raving bitch or just a bitch.
Causes conflict between us.
Causes conflict with me and other people.
After therapy I see my part in it. I see his as well. He is setting me up to be the "bad guy".
I believe this relates to your situation and makes one that is already unfair to you even more difficult.
I to have a DD she is 13. Very typical behavior of that age. My concern is for Wolfe, that is she hears such nonsense she will feel less.
I also wonder why Chipmunk must be protected at all costs from her behavior.
I also know often in my life people who trust me the most treat me the worst because they know I am not a runner and will be here. My relationship with my primary who is my husband is that we are in house separated while he works on his FOO issues. I had no choice but to do this as he doesn't respect me as a person and crosses boundaries repeatedly. I needed to do this not just for myself but for my daughter.
I haven't posted in a very long time. I don't presume to judge u, I see our roles with our spouses being similar.