View Single Post
Old 12-18-2012, 06:24 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,134

I enjoy the analysis and all, but are we getting to my original question at all, about feeling like a tool?
Here's your original post. I took liberty of trimming out details to get to the actual question bits:

I told him and my SO, that they can play with each other sometime.
The response I got back from the dude, was somehow condescending or something. I'm having trouble fully processing it. But I felt like a tool, in that moment.
That is how I processed it. Wonder what everyone else's thoughts are?
I have given you my thoughts on the situation.

I stated that I do not think poly people are "tools" just because they are poly.


I am not him. I do not know if he actually thinks you are a tool. I can see you FELT like he thought you were a tool and this hurts you. I am sorry it hurt you.

I have pointed out places in your communication style where you could change it next time. So you are not leaving room where you could be misperceived as a tool or a cuckhold and then you don't have to feel like a tool as a result of weak communication.

What other question is there? What else do you need feedback on?

The only other place I see where change could happen is you becoming more direct with stating your preferences. That means changing you "hands off" method of EXPRESSION. Not the "hands off I do not micromanage you" policy. But how you talk to her about him (or other potentials.)
"I've already told her her my opinion of him. That he's a lowlife who owns pawnshops, is charming and cute, is young and probably immature, and if she wants to play with that, go ahead."
is a different thing than

"You are free to choose who you want to be with. But me? I do not like him and I do not have a great opinion of him. I would prefer you not get mixed up with him."
Both ways she is free to pursue what she wants. Both ways you are not micromanaging her. But if the first method of expressing yourself to her is not feeding you, try the other way. See if that way of expressing yourself serves you better.

Maybe you would feel less of a tool or less like you are getting used or "just along for the ride" if you KNOW FOR SURE you preferences have been articulated and taken on board before decisions are made. She may still choose to date him, as she is free to.

But your preferences being known for SURE (vs being implied) could matter in your comfort.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 12-18-2012 at 07:27 PM.
Reply With Quote