New to Poly -- Need Help
I'm not entirely sure where to begin but I feel as though everything began when I met M. She and I have been together since August and to say the least we've had our fair share of beautiful & perfect moments and our share of misunderstandings. I have never met someone who has such a beautiful and glowing outlook on life (and love for that matter). I have come to learn that the two terms are synonymous. And that is why I have left myself open to the idea of remaining mono with a poly partner.
As far as I can tell I am mono, I say this because I am leaving myself open to change as it is the healthiest thing to do. M is Poly and in recent months we have been discussing the possibilities of other relationships being founded for her, either male or female.
This discussion came to be after a bad-judgement call of fidelity on my part. I accused M of dishonestly with an ex which proved to be wrong. (given their history I should have been able to figure that out on my own.) This fear manifested in my previous inabilities to let go of hurtful pasts and realize that not all people are dishonest. Shortly after this accusation was made in October there was much distance between us and it gave both of us a lot of time to think about the things we want. Not just for eachother but for our selves also. I want to allow her to express herself in the ways that she feels necessary. If that means relations outside of our bond, I want to be encouraging to her, not restricting. The worst thing I can do is try and put rules and regulations around how she expresses her feelings to those she connects with. Who am I to ask or request that she sensor her love for others or reserve it for me. (Sexual or non-sexual)
What I am struggling with here is honesty, though that may not be clear in what I have written. It has been a fear of mine since the first discussions about her being Poly was that "Ok, well if she's talking to me about this, its because she's found another partner or potention partner." Though, I realize this may not actually be the case. What do I do if she's been with someone and never told me? (I love this woman with all my heart and if I am to be true to that I should be able to find forgiveness in all situations.) Should I be aware of her partner(s)? Should I establish my own relationship with them? I think it's important that I accept them because they contribute to her happiness and her expression. Should she tell me anything? Or should I not inquire about her other relationships at all? I don't want to be ignorant of them and I know that's not the correct choice to make. We had the discussion about what it might be like if she were to attend an event with another partner that I was to be attending also. How is affection shown? is it shown in front of the other partner? not at all?(that one doesnt sound right)
Im apologize if this sounds like a sob-story, I dont feel it is, Im just trying to prevent it from ended as one. She really means a lot to me and I want her to know it though the trust that I show her in situations just like these ones.