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Old 12-18-2012, 07:44 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 4,094

I can back off of my friends a little but I'm afraid I would make things more awkward if I made a definite move like that. Would they question why I'm being standoffish? Or would my husband think he's ruining my fun?
Instead of what iffing and worrying about what these people MIGHT be thinking -- how about just ASKING? And believing what they say? Assume positive intent, honesty, and goodwill? Rather than assuming doom?

He is telling you he is fine -- how about BELIEVING HIM? If he's giving mixed messages where his words do not match his body language -- ask for the clarify to give him a second opportunity. If he insists he is ok, believe him then! He can choose to speak up or not. You cannot be a mind reader.

You could remind him that you expect him to bring it up if something changes and he feels not fine, and he needs to renegotiate boundaries. You would be willing to hear him out. But you are not willing to mind reader.

Then just live life and let it go until further notice!

I'm afraid that he's going to grow frustrated with things and decide that if I'm the only one having fun, then we should just forget the whole thing.
To assuage your current fear, and stop projecting your fear on to him? And making yourself worry and doubt his word when he says he is fine? You could just ask him --
"I'm afraid that you are going to grow frustrated with things and you will decide that if I'm the only one having fun, that we should just forget the whole thing. Do you expect to make uniltateral decisions for the couple? Would I be included in that conversation? How would we negotiate that kind of conflict resolution? Where you want one thing and I want another?"
Then hopefully you can relax because your fear has abated. Now you would KNOW what behavior to expect from him and you if that situation were to arise.

I asked at one point if he was OK as he'd just been sitting off to the side for a while. He insisted that he was and then just offhandedly mentioned that he wished he had someone to make out with, too.
Can't it be just that? He's good with you having fun. Feeling #1.

He wishes he had someone make out with too. Feeling #2.

He's being the Weather Channel and telling you feeling updates. Why link them together to make "He says he's fine with me having fun and then he says he wishes he had someone to make out with too. So secretly it must mean he's not REALLY ok with me having fun! Doooooom!"

Is he habitually not honest in his communication with you? Why are you trying read more into it than what he states? Are you feeding your fear above?

Reporting how he's doing in his feelings doesn't mean you have to do anything ABOUT them. He himself might not want to do anything about them. Just reporting internal weather. Let it blow on thru.

What can I do to even this out? I know he's feeling awkward going after women. Can any guys provide advice on how he can get into the swing of it?
You are not responsible for "making things even things out" and making sure he has other relationship opportunities equal in number to yours. It would inappropriate for you to be responsible for finding him a GF or make out buddy. Is this you feeding the fear above again? Trying to make it not come up by ensuring your fun "won't get taken away because he has a fun buddy too?"

How do you know he's feeling awkward? Does he state that to you?

"I feel awkward going after women."
If so? Then you could say

"I hear you. What is your need at this time from me?
  • For me to just be a Safe Ear listening to you vent and air out and that's it?
  • Or for me to be an Ear with Feedback and give you advice?
  • Something else that would be appropriate for me to provide you with?
Then you know what your job is and are being supportive/helpful in appropriate ways.

Why are you so afraid of so many things in bold above? Don't feed your "fear" bucket. Could choose to feed your "assured" bucket. Could choose to talk to him and get the info you need to feel and be reassured.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 12-18-2012 at 08:15 AM.
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