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Old 12-18-2012, 06:09 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,812

P.S. Just for clarity, I'm a guy, and my SO is a chick, because maybe I think I saw some of that switched around in your posting.
Sorry, I think we are both online at the same time. I was already going back to fix typos and things. (My hands aren't always happy joint hands and it hurts to bend fingers.) I think I get the general thrust of what you are trying to say with your generosity examples, but your partner is not a THING. She is not land, she is not money. She is a person.

You could try give better examples generous, kind, loving treatment of other people, rather than examples of generous distribution/use of THINGS. That would be a better match to the situation.

As a generous person, you want your generosity to go towards those in need.
  • HE is not in NEED of relationship with your partner.
  • SHE is not in NEED of relationship with him. Though she may WANT to be in relationship with him because she's got a crush on Mr Crush guy.

Neither will die if this relationship does not come to pass. It is WANT, not need.
  • Your willingness to be be in an Open relationship model with her while she pursues other casual sex FWB people?
  • Your willingness to be in an Open Relationship model with her while she pursues polyship with others?
  • Your willingness to be in an Open Relationship model with her while she pursues BOTH polyships and FWB with others?

That is you being generous toward HER and you. That is wonderful of you to share and gift to her and yourself.

But sharing that open model relationship together is a WANT that you both share willingly at this time. (I would hope!) It is not a NEED.

Compersion is a feeling. You do not EMPLOY it. You just feel it. It is you feeling pleasure and feeling happy when she is feeling pleasure and feeling happiness in another's company.

It is NOT you compromising yourself because she wants to have a thing with Mr Crush. Be clear on your willingness -- both to her and to yourself.

Then you couldn't worry about being a "tool" because you did not put yourself in a position to be taken advantage of unwillingly. Neither she or he could be trespassing on your generous spirit. You only offer what you are actually willing to offer, and when you offer it, you are aware of the risks. But you go there because this you choose to do for yourself and are willing to take the risks.

I am tired. I probably am not making sense. Know I'm not trying to nitpick, ok? I'm just concerned you were uncertain in your willingness because you said had to "employ compersion." Sounds too much like you talking yourself into something you really do not want to do or have.
I hadn't anticipated being generous to people who would only be taking the generosity if it was by taking advantage of it. I think that's what it's really about.
But yes, there are people who when given an inch, want to take a mile and are not especially respectful of people or of boundaries in relationships.

You could get the clarify -- ask him to explain his choice of wording there.

If he meant it like a joke because he was taken aback, that is one thing. Then you could tell him you prefer he not joke about your partner and you prefer he talk about her like a gentleman.

If he's a creep, that's another thing.

Either way could tell your partner -- "Hold on horsie! Need more info here on his respectfulness and trustworthiness before this goes further with him! Also need time to reassess my own willing on casual sex FWB!"


Last edited by GalaGirl; 12-18-2012 at 06:47 AM.
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