I am with Jane. We do not choose when or how to feel. We do choose our behavior.
So love them both. FL from a distance,
out of respect for him, him wife, your husband, and you. You can love him without being in active relationship with him. Where is problem?
Practical suggestion for your behavior?
You could stop fueling your angsty desire for active relationship with him by changing the record playing in your head. It could be "I miss what I had once there, I will always love him, but we're both in different places now. That old thing is done. I have a wonderful spouse and I'm sure he does too." Acceptance and moving on words to HELP you accept and move on.
Rather than playing the record of "I can't have both! I can't have what I want! I can't this and that!" and working yourself up over it so that you remain "stuck" emotionally and focussed on what you do not have rather than what you do have.
Or if you want it be so, and want to be free to poly date -- do it CLEAN. Break up and leave your mono husband. End the old thing before starting a new. Clearly feel your spouse is not up for polyamory. I assume you have brought it up and he's turned it down from your other post.
My advice on that post is still the same -- choose to behave in ways that keeps your nose clean.
Even in this post's context. Keep it CLEAN.
You are not sure FL's wife is open to polyshipping. Hell, not even sure FL himself is! But if you want to make yourself
available to FL in a clean, honest, ethical way? You break up with your husband and let FL know you are single and poly dating. Then you sit back and wait and see.
Then he, if FL wants to be with you too, he can do the work needed on his side for that to be so. He would have to break up with his wife if she's not up for polyshipping. Everyone ends their old things before starting a new CLEAN thing.
You do not want another cheating thing with FL. Right?
And why did you guys break up anyway? Aren't exes exes for a REASON? Are things in your marriage happy/healthy? You sure you aren't projecting wishful thinking on the past with the rosy glasses filter because things in your present aren't going well? ARE things going well in your marriage?
He would never mistreat me, and he only wants to help me be the person I want to be. He is my rock, and with him I have become a stronger person, a better person. I can't afford to lose him, I've been through too much at this point. I've had nearly every bad thing done to me what can be. If I lose him, I am giving up on love for good.
I am hearing weird there.
Does he treat you bad or not? Or is that bold bit you rationalizing bad treatment of you? "He treats me bad but doesn't mean to" or "He only does it for my own good" type excuses? What bad things have been done to you by WHO? The husband?
You type you cannot afford to lose him but elsewhere you say you are going to move in with your gay friend. What's going on there? Why would you lose him? Is he threatening to abandon you?
Between the quad post
where you sounded like you needed acceptance, and woman you crush on here
and this post with running into the ex who was your cheating partner -- you don't sound solid and secure in yourself right now. Kinda flailing about emotionally?
I am concerned. I hope you are ok.