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Old 12-18-2012, 03:35 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,541

They continued seeing each other for a bit, and eventually asked me to join them. I started seeing A separately as well. Through this all though, I have still had a lot of negative feelings that I have been trying to deal with, with little success.
Are you seeing her because you are actually into her, or are you seeing her just because they asked and you wanted to "keep it even?" You write a lot about him but not so much about her.

T and A had a discussion the other night to talk about how to make this easier on me. The only solution they could come up with was to take a break, which feels like a terrible option to me, as it would make me feel like I destroyed something wonderful for them.
If they are willing to take a break to see if that helps make things easier on you, why does it bother you? Why are you "responsible for destroying them" when they would be choosing this willingly?

I want us to be able to stay together and be happy, but I'm really struggling with overcoming these feelings. How do I deal with feelings of sexual inadequacy, and the fact that T and A are having more sex than I do with either of them? How do I let myself believe that I am cared for when I so often feel I am seeing evidence to the contrary?
Right now you are are focusing on quantity/frequency of sex and comparing. It is not a competition. You even recognize that it is probably NRE:

T and I have been together for about 4 years now, so I understand this is likely part of it
Isn't showing concern for your well being, to the point of willing to dial it down on their end to give you more time and attention in a more balanced way showing caring for you? Doesn't their effort and willingness to work on time management demonstrate concern and caring for you? I mean, it may not be the solution the triad goes with in the end. But they are trying.

What's YOUR proposed solution when you talk with them? How do they receive it?

To let yourself believe your are cared for -- you could focus on caring behavior examples rather than on sex only. You already have the NRE thing as a reasonable, rational explanation for that. In due course of time it will calm down.

What other behaviors do they do to demonstrate caring? What behaviors do they do that demonstrate NOT caring for you? Could you list each in detail? Which is longer?

What do you need from him to meet ORE nurture needs besides sex? For him to ask you out on dates? What do you need from her? Does anything in jealousy management help? Esp page 5 or 6?

Last but not least, how do YOU demonstrate caring behavior for YOU? Or not? And what bucket would you place this behavior of yours in:

I got a text from him asking if he could go home with her, and I said yes even though I didn't feel super comfortable, but felt it would be hypocritical to say no since I was on a date.
Is that showing caring behavior for yourself when you lie about your feelings on something? Is it self-respecting behavior? Does it help you with your self confidence or your depression management when you do things like that? Are there other examples of that in this story?

Could part of the problem be that YOU do not show caring, self-respecting behavior for yourself and drain your confidence/self esteem reserves and then look to them to fill it back up?

I don't actually expect you to answer me. I just pose the questions to you to try to help your sort out how you feel to yourself. You probably could ask yourself other questions as you do your soul searching.

You could try to pull back to evaluate the situation from all angles, not just the sex angle. To see if that gives you a better picture of what's going on and where things could be improved. What he could do, what she could do, what you could do to help so you feel reassured and emotionally safe in the triad.



Last edited by GalaGirl; 12-18-2012 at 04:03 AM.
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