Working with my Feelings
I am currently part of a FFM triad, with some loose definitions. My male live in partner (T) started seeing started seeing a woman (A) in the early spring. She was a friend of a friend that we both knew a little bit. One night when I was on a date, I got a text from him asking if he could go home with her, and I said yes even though I didn't feel super comfortable, but felt it would be hypocritical to say no since I was on a date. He stayed out that night until 5 in the morning, had sex with her many more times than he normally does with me, and it all culminated in a morning of hurt and crying.
They continued seeing each other for a bit, and eventually asked me to join them. I started seeing A separately as well. Through this all though, I have still had a lot of negative feelings that I have been trying to deal with, with little success.
A large part of this is my insecurity about his sexual attraction to her versus me. Many months later, it is still very common for him to fuck her 3 or so times on a date, whereas I feel he turns me down for sex fairly often. T and I have been together for about 4 years now, so I understand this is likely part of it, but it hurts that he seems to prefer A sexually so much. I tried dealing with this before by asking that we do something sexual when he comes home from dates with her, but he was too tired and unable to do this. All of us in the triad all have rather high sex drives, but with T turning me down and being tired after seeing A, and with me not seeing A as often as T is more assertive is asking for dates and my schedule, I'm feeling like my needs are not being met.
As well, I'm feeling like I'm not being cared about as much as I need. T and A are quite close, but I'm not sure how to read it. Anytime I ask T about the state of their relationship, he continues to state that he prefers me sexually, that things with her are just friendly, that he prefers me in all ways. I feel like it might be deeper than that with them, and it always makes me feel a bit crazy that what I'm seeing and what he's saying don't match up. I often feel like T and A are more into each other than me, and that I'm just being kept on out of convenience. Part of this is likely a lack of self confidence or my depression coming out, but it's a very hard feeling to live with everyday.
T and A had a discussion the other night to talk about how to make this easier on me. The only solution they could come up with was to take a break, which feels like a terrible option to me, as it would make me feel like I destroyed something wonderful for them. I want us to be able to stay together and be happy, but I'm really struggling with overcoming these feelings. How do I deal with feelings of sexual inadequacy, and the fact that T and A are having more sex than I do with either of them? How do I let myself believe that I am cared for when I so often feel I am seeing evidence to the contrary?