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Old 12-17-2012, 04:55 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 4,737

I don't want to allow me to be the reason that this fails and he is unable to express his nature and needs.
Hon, I'm poly. I'm Closed right now. I can express my "poly nature" all I want to my spouse. I talk to him, share my thoughts and feelings about it.

A person can be poly and SINGLE. A person can be poly and in a Closed marriage/relationship. Polyamorous just means the capacity to love more than one at a time. It doesn't mean actively being in relationship with more than one at a time. Sometimes none or one is what is wanted!

Sometimes one is not dating because one is not able to offer oneself as the best dating partner one could be.

I am not arguing the WHAT here – that he is poly. I am pointing out the method --- the HOW you guys are going about it seems needlessly rough on both of you! And the timing – the WHEN – seems kinda "rushing in" underprepared. What's the big hurry?

How is your DH offering himself as the best dating partner he could be when he is not a good communicator, doesn't know what he's after in polyship, and has a wife who is insecure and struggling with communication herself? And what she brings to the table as a metamour to his potential future dating partner?

Also i feel at this point the can of worms is open and if I don't deal with the emotions and insecurities they won't go away even if he stops his relationship. So why not continue?
Correct. But that's two separate things there and I'm not sure you see that:

1) Your insecure.
2) Your and his ability to be in healthy polyship because you guys do not have the skills are not well prepared and sound like you bit off more than you could chew.
3)Your unwillingness to take him up on his offer to break it off with her and pay attention to the marriage needs.

If you get in over your head at the pool and someone is willing to throw you a life preserver, do you ignore it because "you are in the pool already anyway?"

Maybe it means using it to get out now so you live to swim again in future!

Perhaps taking him up on his offer to Close back down to create the time/space to grow the communication and poly skills needed will help you in the other bucket – in becoming more confident and less insecure. Then when you are both ready to Re-Open the Marriage, it's a smoother ride because you have improved your knoweldge and skills?

Nobody says you can't do this in STAGES so that you both can grow secure and confident in navigating this. There's nothing wrong with taking this in stages to avoiding potential pitfalls.

Make a plan that is more workable rather than "just jump in cold!" Maybe something like...

Step 1: You Close back up, do more work on your weak communication skills and strengthen the marriage. You cannot expect to be good at communicating with a third person if you have these communication problems in the duo:
  • I feel like every time I talk to him my emotions and fears start snowballing out control.
  • Once I start talking I feel I cant stop without bottling up emotions
  • I was expecting him to know what I needed and when I needed it instead of telling him what I needed. I also think that it was moving to fast for me to feel secure and told him so.
  • My insecurity and fear as led me to assume a ton of things he is feeling with out necessarily listening to what he is saying.
  • He has a hard time expressing his feelings to me.
  • He gets frustrated saying that I am overwhelming him and making him feel bad.
  • He gets frustrated with me being hurt because he can't fix it. He can only help me to fix it myself. HE wants to be the one to do it though and does not understand why he can't.

Step 2: You read resources together. You clarify what open model relationship you are after. You have made a plan for the potential pitfalls already. (see link above)

Step 3: Then when ready You Re-Open again. He dates, not RUSHING into sex or anything, but just dating. Give people time to get to know each other and see if the dating partner is after the same things in polyship as him and can be at the very least a polite meta to you even if not friends. Evaluate how it is going and adjust wants, needs, and limits accordingly without pressure. Keep the expectations reasonable and realistic of yourselves and each other.

I am just concerned you guys are going at it like some out of control train like this!


Last edited by GalaGirl; 12-17-2012 at 05:02 PM.
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