Need some advice with new developments.
I'm a bit fuzzy today, didn't get much sleep last night. Some news came out yesterday that I have to deal with should this friendship go forward. I'm trying to be as rational as possible so please bare with me.
I'm also beginning to think this might not belong in a polyamory forum. As I have explained before, my friend is in an open marriage where she is allowed to have sexual encounters but neither her nor her husband are looking for relationships. Just sex. If this is not the forum, please let me know and maybe you can point me elsewhere.
So, I'm was still in cloud 9 from our recent trip. It was amazing and I was really riding the wave as they say. Since we agreed to our rendevouz, I knew "the rules" and the consequences. I knew her lifestyle and I knew that this would be about sex and friendship and nothing else. I tried to prepare myself as much as possible.
I won't lie though, after our trip I find myself a bit emotionally attached to her. I told myself it's temporary and I'll get over those feelings eventually. I also knew that eventually there would be other rendevous with other men and I also began preparing myself for that. "It's just sex" I kept telling myself. Well, as much as I tried to prepare for it, nothing would prepare me to hear about the next rendevous just one week after coming back from our trip together!
As we were having a conversation through Facetime she told me of her "upcoming meeting with someone." Seeing the look in my face she immediately said "It's nothing like you and I! No travelling, I'm not bringing him home. It's totally different." It totally caught me off guard. She then continued trying to reassure me that this wasn't spur of the moment and it had been in the works since "way before our trip." I don't know that that actually made it any better. I had a mini-panic attack and I pushed for details but she shut down and told me she would not be telling me anything about if before, during or after. That's fine with me, I understand.
So here is where I am right now:
Most of my pain right now comes from the timing. Like I told her "your smell is still on me" and "I'm still in London." It just hurts that it's happening so fast. But like I have learned here and elsewhere, this is my problem and not hers. So it will take me some time to get over this but I will.
I'm also hurt that she broke our agreement. We talked during our trip about this. I told her that I knew there would be others and all I asked from her was that if she felt she had to tell me, then tell after the fact, not before or during. I'm going through waves of emotion right now and at times it kills me to think "when is it happening." That's why I told her that if she had to tell me, it had to be afterwards.
I'm terribly confused right now. I'm very surprised this hit me as hard as it did, I read from that that my emotional attachment to her is much stronger than I believed. This worries me because now I don't know how to proceed. I don't want to end the friendship, by any means, I do care for her deeply...but then how do I detach myself emotionally from those feelings? I have always understood that there can NEVER EVER be anything else between her and I. What with distance and her marriage and all. So I feel quite foolish for having these feelings.
This should not be a big deal. So my friend who I had sex with is having a sexual rendevous with someone else, so what? I should be happy for her for fulfilling her dreams and desires. I want to feel compersion. I want a rich friendship in which we can be great friends and travel and have fun and allow each other to have fun. If it were me having this meeting, she would be so thrilled for me! How can I get to that place? How do I know if I'm cut out for this? Reading what I just wrote makes so much sense but it does not align with how I'm feeling in my chest at the moment. I don't want to lose her friendship, I don't want to "break up" but I don't know how to get past this.