first of all thank you everyone for the wonderful advice!
Dinged Heart: I want this for him because I recognized his poly personalty pretty early on in the relationship and I do not want to hold back his nature just because I am mono in nature. I recognize there is a huge difference in what we need to make us feel satisfied and I am willing to work through what I need to in order to give him what he needs in life.
My ideal model is him having an equal partnership with both me and (lets call her J). I would like her to be close friends with me and hubbies children for the sake of the kids and family life we have established (plus J is a super sweet and loving girl and I like her). I just am having a hard time getting to feel secure enough with myself to allow another women to have him half the time (catch 22)
He is not part of this site but he was the one who found it and showed it to me to help me get through my (lets call it) emotional slump. Already I have begun to feel better simply from reading stories and advice from other people.
Gala Girl: sorry about the improper paragraph structure but I was not as concerned about that as just getting it out
. now that it is I will try to be more structured.
I know he does not want to give this up (he's told me so) and I respect that greatly. He is offering because he thinks it will make me feel better and he is sick of seeing me hurting. I don't want to allow me to be the reason that this fails and he is unable to express his nature and needs. I am willing to sort through this if this is what he wants and I need him to know that. Also i feel at this point the can of worms is open and if I don't deal with the emotions and insecurities they won't go away even if he stops his relationship. So why not continue?
I have done a lot of research and I know now that I needed to make boundaries and that was part of the problem. I was expecting him to know what I needed and when I needed it instead of telling him what I needed. I also think that it was moving to fast for me to feel secure and told him so.
November Rain: my goodness... i don't know how to start but thank you so much for your thuro and thought felt response.
I know that he is as new to this as me and has a hard time expressing his feelings to me. I also know he is a wonderful guy and is not doing any of this to hurt me or make me feel guilty. He has told me that I am more important than him doing this but I also know this would make him feel fulfilled and happy and if it is my power to give it to him, I truly want to. From what I understand this is a hard road to take and I accept that and am not willing to give up.
I know that my insecurity and fear as led me to assume a ton of things he is feeling with out necessarily listening to what he is saying. I know that the listening issue has not been one sided and I am trying to realize that (consciously while talking to him) and listen to what he is truly saying not what I am interpreting from what he is saying (if that makes sense)
I think he gets frustrated with me being hurt because he can't fix it. He can only help me to fix it myself. HE wants to be the one to do it though and does not understand why he can't.
I have worked through some of the touching issues that I was having by reminding my self every time that he is touching ME not her. I am not sure why that is helping but I know that I was feeling insecure that when he was touching me he was thinking of her (not because he said it or behaved in a manner to make me believe it).
I am doing a lot better after realizing that it is my negative attitude that is making me feel like this not anything that either of them are doing and setting some boundaries so that I don't have to tackle all my hurt at once but gradually until its gone (or as gone as it will ever get)
Again thank you so much for helping me out and for this site. I could not imagine going through this with out support and help