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Old 12-16-2012, 03:41 PM
curiouskitty curiouskitty is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 3
Default Metamour said hurtful things- how do I proceed?

Backstory: I am in a relationship with a man I'm in love with, "Joe". He is also dating another girl, "Sue". Joe and Sue met Nov 2011. I met Joe in January 2012, and the spark was there immediately, but we were just platonic friends. I was not looking for a poly relationship, and neither Joe nor Sue had ever been in one before. Unknown to me, Joe brought up poly to Sue to gauge her feelings, she was willing to explore- she was not rushed, she spent several months reading up and talking to others. She agreed that she was fine with him dating me and we began seeing each other in May 2012. At first, Sue asked for quite a few boundaries-all of these were respected and they eased up pretty quickly. Initially, the idea of us all being involved was thrown out there, but I just am not attracted to Sue at all, so we remain a V where both of us are considered equal partners to Joe. We all live separately from each other at this point.

Over the course of things, I have done my best to be friendly and respectful to Sue. As I said, I respected all boundaries and I have constantly tried to be concerned with her feelings and not doing things that might hurt her. I was the one who reached out and suggested we spend one on one time getting to know each other and we connected on a friendly level. She doesn't seem to have many (well, any) friends and I felt kind of bad for her- I'm the kind of person who can make friends easily anywhere, so I didn't think twice about attempting to be friends. She seemed thrilled to have me want to be friends with her- and almost immediately started the oversharing and having odd boundaries. She several times made derogatory comments about Joe to me, which I tried to ignore. I didn't really know what to do with this, but it wasn't really hurting me, so I just tried to take it in stride. Then she told me, on two separate occasions, that she wanted Joe and I to stop texting. Joe and I text frequently throughout the day and both enjoy the constant communication. She is not generally around during these times (workdays and whatnot), so his texting with me is not taking attention from her. They usually speak on the phone at least once a day and she does not like texting, so she really does not even want him texting like that with her. I calmly explained to her that we were not going to stop texting, as we both enjoy it and it's not taking anything away from her. She agreed that was true and didn't bring it up again.

Fast forward a bit as mine + Joe's relationship progresses- and it is obvious to all of us that my relationship with Joe is simply just more affectionate than his with Sue. I also find out at this time that Sue has NEVER been in a dating relationship that lasted longer than three months (she is 30, not a young kid). Around this time, the hurtful comments start. After she met some of his friends for the first time and had him tell his friends at the same event he was also seeing me, she came to my house and said, "I know he told his friends about you, but other people already know he's with me. You can't really expect to be acknowledged." Slap in the face. Not to mention, Joe and I had discussed that situation before starting anything and had agreed that once it was obvious that things were panning out, I would not be some "secret relationship". I had assumed he had discussed that with her and she was on the same page. She twice brought up "the risks he's taken to be with you", specifically mentioning not being mono with her- the second time literally yelling inches from my face. She claims she was trying to be supportive in saying that, but her tone was less then friendly. We are all in the BDSM scene and there are certain types of play that she does with him that I'm not comfortable doing. He is fine with that and doesn't bother me about it. She, on the other hand, constantly brings it up, trying to bug me in to doing those things. I have asked her repeatedly verbally and through email to stop, and have even explained that being pushed just shuts me down and makes it less likely to happen. She still kept it up. These are "edge play" things and can be very dangerous- not something I want to be pushed in to if I'm not ready- if I react badly, I could get seriously injured or become so shut down, that I would be unable to sustain things with Joe. Even explaining that didn't stop her. She also said several things regarding how my relationship would be like hers soon- as I said before, Joe and I are more affectionate, despite us also being in a D/s dynamic, and Joe and I had discussed how that was something we both wanted, but she kept saying I'd have to not have that. I finally had to say something to him, at which point he spoke to her and she backed off. Before I spoke to him, I had one last outing with her. I had recently been triggered by something and was dealing with some emotions regarding my being raped several years ago, which she knew. She asked how I was doing with that and I admitted I'd been having a very rough time and just really wanted to avoid the topic. She then launched in to a 30 minute spiel about rape, while I sat there unable to say anything, mind blown at having to listen to this. When I finally said something because I felt pressured to talk about it, I admitted something very personal- I have permanent scarring on my labia from my attack. Her response, with a confused look: "Why would that bother you?" Seriously???? More things had also been said and done, but these are a few stand out things. Generally when she is being hurtful, I'm in such shock that I don't really respond.

After I spoke to Joe, she apologized via email a week later by saying it all was "miscommunication". She said, "We communicate differently, but there's nothing wrong with the way either of us do so." Um, in my book, if you're not trying to hurt somebody with your word and you do so, there actually IS a problem with the way you communicate. I tried to accept this, but it has been very difficult. Aside from Joe and Sue, whenever I have told people what was said, the reaction I get is: "That's not miscommunication. She wants you out and is being manipulative." I really don't want to believe that- I just don't buy her as that sneaky. She claims she has no problems with me, my relationship with Joe, or with poly in general- everything is supposedly sunshine and roses on her end. Joe tells me that her social skills are just not good, that she's a "loner" and "not the most social". I've taken some time and space from her to try to process how I feel and to figure out what boundaries I need. I recently have tried to interact with her, which went well, but mainly because she did very little talking. I can't be in a relationship where I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around her- I worry that if I try to loosen up around her again, she will say more hurtful things.

Any advice on this situation? How do I work through this? I am very happy with Joe aside from the Sue situation, so I'm not looking to end things there. And I don't want to be giving ultimatums about his relationship with Sue. I've been doing all I can to be able to accept that she is just socially awkward and doesn't know how to talk to people, but that she's not a bad person, but I just have such a hard time being around her now.
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