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Old 12-16-2012, 09:26 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Seattle-ish
Posts: 826

Oh DH I don't know what you'd like to know. If you consider there is a liberal spectrum of poly from rigid to anything goes, I am where I am, and I don't really care where anybody else is unless it means dating them wouldn't be sensible, or I think somebody is being hurt by it. I don't like the "anything goes" when both partners aren't OK with it, and I don't like OPP or I get to date and you don't stuff, but as long as the people involved with it are comfortable with their agreements, it's irrelevant to me. I don't think I'd date somebody who was "anything goes and you don't get to know anything" and I sure wouldn't be married to somebody who wanted that because it wouldn't work for me.

How do we handle time and gifts? We made an agreement before we started dating again that for holidays/birthdays, budget wise spending up to $20 was fine and if we wanted to spend more we'd talk about it first. Adam tends to IM me links to things he thinks Brian might like because he likes giving things to people he cares about and wants to enable me to do the same. When we go on vacations we tend to shop together for souvenirs or gifts for people we are dating so so we find the best items for them.

My date night with Brian is the day after Christmas, if Brian has other plans, we'll change it. If it was on Christmas I would change it because I have plans with Adam to sit around in pjs in front of a fire putting ribbons and bows on our cats. Adam was too busy killing monsters to tell me what he would like to have happen if my date night fell on Christmas eve, if he wanted me to reschedule it I would likely do so, most all my dates on holidays have been rescheduled because Brian has things to do. If Brian said he wanted to spend a particular day with me when I asked about rescheduling, I'd talk to Adam about it to see if it conflicted with what he had in mind. Both of them seem much more easygoing about things like that than I do. I think I'm making a turkey for Brian next week. If I or Adam were dating somebody who wanted to invite us both over, or I wanted to invite them/their partners over, we'd do that and I'd make Adam wash the dishes. But I kinda like it to just be Adam and I.

"Do you have a hierarchical poly relationship ?" My view on that is not so much, Adam has more of an hierarchical view of poly than I do. I mean I have a husband I am married to, and I married him because I thought we would be a great lifelong partners who were compatible in most of the important things I cared about. I'm 99.999% sure Brian and I are currently enjoying a long term non co-habitating regular dating partnership where we enjoy each others time a lot when we see each other but aren't craving any more time or involvement in each other's lives. I use the terms primary and secondary sometimes for ease when trying to communicate about things in writing, but that doesn't mean somebody I start dating tomorrow won't be as important to me someday as my husband/boyfriend/best friend/ex husband are today. Doesn't mean they will be, but I haven't had enough partners to figure that out yet. If you mean if I had to make Sophie's choice? Adam is more important to the stability and well being of my overall day to day life. If he moved for work I'd move with him over staying here for a relationship where I see a person once a week and there isn't a desire to live together.

On another note, I learned a lot more about Adam's feelings and whatnot this week, some very surprising things. Which I'd have written about but I've ran out of steam talking about who buys what for whom
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.
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