Problem is that now, my trust is really dented and I am trying very hard not to be the type of person that goes back and reads the whole of their conversations to make sure I am not being 'played' in anyway. It is being really hard not to shake the feeling that I have a right to know. I mean maybe if I did I would see that that level of talk was a blip and was indeed right around when he was mad/hurt and then I will just store it in my head and try to forgive. On the other hand, I could see things that might ruin any chance at me just letting this go.
I don't want to give up on this man so soon. I really believe him to be a soulmate of mine and possibly the love of my life. On the other hand, I want the cuddly, lovey dovey man back too. I feel like he was maybe slowly coming back to us being 'us' after his trip and I am hoping that asking those questions about her (where I have previously not mentioned her since the trip) hasn't set us back. I do think though, I have a right to be hurt and I feel like I have no where to express that without damaging things further. we fought hard for nearly a year to get to be with each other. I don't want to give up on the first real hurdle.
So, I need to dig deep and see if I allow this all to be chalked up to badly handling a first attempt from him at being honest about having sex with a person other than the woman with which he lives. We have several things coming up soon..my big work Christmas party is tomorrow and though he isn't keen on putting on a suit he is going. We have a concert on Saturday that marks the anniversary of the first time we (well, you know) and then on the 20th we have my birthday. Is it wrong of me to want to see how he handles those events with me. What he is like towards me?
I really do not want to give up on what could be a beautiful poly/open relationship but I also don't want to find out I am being played in the background.
Ugh..what to do.
Sorry about the length..I haven't see able to say any of that to anybody that has a clue about poly and I think I needed a mind dump.