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Old 12-16-2012, 08:44 AM
SJJ SJJ is offline
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 18

On the other hand, I escaped an abusive married nearly two years ago and there are somethings I can't fully let go. So, I woke him up and I will admit to having given him some BS reason..i said that I had a dream and it upset me (I do have a lot of nightmares that do tend to point to truths) and I asked him outright if he had ever told her he loved her. He said yes (it is weird how when confronted he will answer) and I said I thought he should have told me that before but okay. Then he threw in 'but that was before I saw her'. Which really confused me but he doesn't not do well with being asked question after question (he thinks it means he isn't being 'heard' so I didn't ask what that meant. But part of me read that as 'I told her what I needed to to get her to fly me up there and have sex'. He was mad at me at the time of some of those comments and I could let that go if he was really just being a jerk and stoking her up because of whatever was going on in his head.

Then I asked him about her feelings for him - after all she is not poly. How does this play out for her? He said that she is into him and has asked when they can see each other again but she was being thoughtful and was asking for dates that were special to us as a couple (birthdays , anniversaries, holidays) so it didn't clash with any of those. He said that he had told her that with a lot of events in December (my birthday and the holidays) and then January I have a business trip he is coming along with me on and then Feb is Valentines day and his Birthday. So, it likely wouldn't be until the end of Feb or March before there was a free time.

From that, I took two things - firstly, if he wanted to see her SO badly again he would make it happen before March. He traveled up and down the state of California to see me every other weekend until we got to live together. Secondly, I now knew where his statement about how I might 'wig out' on meetups even if they weren't on special days came from. So, obviously they are communicating other than on FB or they had that conversation in person and he just took that long to relay it.

I asked him where he wanted to be and he got a little huffy and said he clearly wanted to be with me or he would not be living with me. He then also said that should him and I break up she would not be his first choice for where to go next. I guess his way of saying 'chill out'.

So, I am mad at there having been things kept from me but I am trying to give him some slack as this is his first attempt at doing anything poly/open that wasn't 'cheating' and frankly he handled it badly. Other times since our 'talk' he has asked me about meeting up with one woman he used to see in the past and he asked properly and with respect and I said it would be okay if it happens. So, he - I hope - is trying to learn.

I tried to be the Poly grown up and said that perhaps it was time for him to sort of 'introduce' us and the three of us have a chat and clear the air. He said he would ask her (I sort of doubt he will) but that in the past when he suggested her talking to me she said it made her feel uncomfortable and that like it was a slap in my face. I pointed out calmly that it felt like more of a slap in the face to carry on with me in the dark about the nature of their relationship and that I felt I had been disrespected. He really hates being asked things more than once. So, I left it.
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