He returns from his weekend break with her and he sees that I am not in his face freaking out about it and he starts to relax a bit and be more like the man I deeply love but he did drop in that he is still dealing with that 'talk' we had (at that stage now nearly a month ago) and he still had to get over that. I said okay and said we will get there together.
A week and a bit after his visit with her and he hadn't even mentioned her name. Which, I wasn't sure how to take. Had he gotten what he wanted and now wasn't so anxious that he had to mention it so much. I didn't know but he was slowly being much better with me.
We 'talk' a lot through the day via text while I am at work and one day last week he hit me up and said out of nowhere that he was starting to believe that I really am okay with poly/open where there are occasional other partners. I said that yes, that had always been the case but that it does need to be occasional and I need to be shown honesty and respect and I could not deal with being straight out lied to again. He agreed to that and said that he was starting to believe that the real person he loved had returned (which really kind of annoys me but I let him say it..because really, I had anxiety attacks..I was the same person just ill). He made some comment that he still thought I might 'wig out' down the line when he asks to do something again 'even if it isn't on a special day like a birthday or holiday' which felt like an odd thing to say but I reconfirmed that as long as there is honesty and respect I will be okay. Days go by and he starts telling me I am the best friend/partner/mate anybody could have and I think it is all just settling back down.
Then, two days ago we are working on a group project together on our computers. He opens up a facebook message from somebody to show me and I can see the list of previous conversations on the side. I am never somebody to snoop. I won't even get something out of a bag for him when he says it is okay..I will bring him the bag to get it himself. But I could see her there from a few days previously and her last line was 'I know, I love you too
'. Well, he had never told me they had exchanged 'L' words and it just sat with me in my head all night.
When he went to sleep I did something I truly hate myself for and I clicked on that message to read it. I did not scroll up to read anything beyond what was on the screen. The majority of the conversation was from RIGHT before he went to see her and it was all about how much he was lusting after her and how she was his 'siren' etc and stuff that made it sound like he was stoking her up over me a bit....she made some comment about 'well, she tried to change the rules' and he did defend me a bit in there but really it was mostly about how much they were lusting after each other (meanwhile we have sex everynight so his lust for me felt just fine). She did make some comment about not being jealous of me but not wanting to hear about other women. Which sort of makes me think/hope he was still telling her that I was who he would be with as a primary. Then the last response in the chat was a gap of many days..over a week since they had their 'dates' and was just exchanging 'I love yous'. I closed it and decided not to go up and read any more. I was ashamed enough of having read anything.