And just when I thought it couldn't get more complicated....
So ever since I discovered love at the way too young age of 15, there's been one constant. One guy who's always been in my heart, and often in my bed. I left him (thinking it was for good) when I started dating my now-husband. I cheated with him, twice, but managed to make it through that with a lot of honesty and work on trust. I thought we'd said our last goodbyes when I got engaged and he did too. More than once I've felt his presence, nearly every day I've missed him. Through a mutual friend I know it's been the same for him. But I stayed strong. I avoided temptation. Not having him in my life tears me apart and drives me a bit insane, but I was willing to deal with the madness if it meant making my husband happy.
Today when I was shopping with my husband and his mother, I saw him. He was working as a security person there. I was immediately reminded of every feeling I have for him, and of how much his absence hurts me. And through our mutual friend, he indicated feeling the same, and that he wants to start our friendship up again. I indicated that I wouldn't start anything, but couldn't lie and say if he did I would reject him.
To make my situation perfectly clear, my first love (FL to make it easy) is more than just a fling, more than some old flame. He is the father of my baby that never made it. He was the first person to make me feel safe that wasn't my brother. He is the only person to this day that understands me perfectly. We are bonded on a level most people never experience. When I'm around FL, I don't have schizo episodes and my mood swings become extremely manageable. I don't have painful flashbacks when he is there. I know him intimately, we speak a secret language of glances and body language and silences. I feel whole around him. He is everything I ever wanted. But the downfall is that he's broken too, in a way that made admitting his love impossible. And now he's married (admittedly to a woman he doesn't love, and only because I didn't stop it), and he isn't the sort who would leave her.
On the flip side, I also am in love with my husband. He can be judgmental and stubborn and vain and horribly proud. But he is also endlessly generous, and sympathetic, and he tries so hard. He would never mistreat me, and he only wants to help me be the person I want to be. He is my rock, and with him I have become a stronger person, a better person. I can't afford to lose him, I've been through too much at this point. I've had nearly every bad thing done to me what can be. If I lose him, I am giving up on love for good. I'll move in with my gay guy and be his surrogate and take care of him (he could use the help, he's got a history of breakdowns and I'm pro at fixing him). Losing my husband will send me over the edge. But FL.... He's part of who I am.
I can't openly have them both. They hate each other. Husband can't see the good FL did for me, because it kills him to think of FL. He can't handle it to the point where he refuses to believe I was ever pregnant. (admittedly, I was only a little more than two months along with nothing but symptoms and a women's intuition, I didn't want to take the test until I had an escape plan [crazy mother it's a long story] but still...) And FL is a bit jealous as well, not to the point where he can't handle me being with my husband while being not-with him, but enough that he hates thinking about me being with any other man. (slight improvement on Husband, FL would be able to handle having another girl in the mix, provided she were a good fit)
I know the "right" answer is to just ignore FL and stay strong for my husband. But the "right" answer is also that I shouldn't love both, if I listen to most of society. I just don't know what to do.... I'm selfish and I want them both. I want Heathcliff and Linton and hang the rules.