View Single Post
  #5  
Old 12-16-2012, 12:21 AM
NovemberRain's Avatar
NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 700
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by duckiiee View Post
I feel so insecure all the time and hurt that he no longer feels that way with me.
Are you sure he doesn't feel that, or is just not showing it at the moment?

Quote:
Originally Posted by duckiiee View Post
They are constantly texting each other and it makes it feel like my alone time with him is not really alone time with him or like he feels like I am not as interesting (<<< my insecurity not his words)
That sucks. I was really worried, when I started seeing FBF, because CBF almost always calls me at least once when I'm with him. (note, this is not 'constant' texting or calling, this is ONCE. and I was worried about it)(kinda still do) Anyway, my point is that ME, seeing both of them, I take responsibility for MY behaviour, and I try to make sure that both of them know that they are important to me and loved by me. [I was so tickled the first time FBF called when I was with CBF (but totally freaked out as it was a family dinner) but I took the call. Because I didn't want FBF to think that CBF was 'more important' and that I would blow him off when I always take CBF's calls if I'm with FBF]

Quote:
Originally Posted by duckiiee View Post
I have been talking to him about it a lot but when I do he feels like I am accusing him of being a horrible inconsiderate person (which I am not, I realize that all my concerns and hurt are coming from my own insecurities)
I'm sorry, but I just find that rude of him. Has he actually said to you that he feels like you're accusing him? Because if you're not actually accusing him, if what you're doing is sharing your feelings, he ought to be able to acknowledge your feelings, and perhaps even comfort you. My men know that I am woman, and often have feelings. They comfort me when I need comforting, whether it's somebody died, or I'm watching sappy television.

Feelings just are, and everyone needs to allow everyone to have them. (I get worked up about this, probably because as a child, everyone denied everyone's feelings. it sucked)

Quote:
Originally Posted by duckiiee View Post
I also have found that I am crying non stop and feeling distant from my husband because I am sick of feeling hurt. I feel like every time I talk to him my emotions and fears start snowballing out control and he gets frustrated saying that I am overwhelming him and making him feel bad but once I start talking I feel I cant stop without bottling up emotions (which i have read you are not suppose to do in poly relationships). I don't know how to tell him just a little about what I am feeling with out revealing the level of my hurt. I know he is trying to be patient with me but I cant expect him to deal with me acting like this forever.
Do you have anyone else you can talk to about it? Maybe you could start a blog here and let all your feelings and words fly out of your fingers? Also therapy is a great idea. If you have a local poly group (or even if you don't) maybe you can find a friend to share feelings with.

Try not to tell yourself stories about 'forever' and remember to breathe in this moment.

Quote:
Originally Posted by duckiiee View Post
Every time I start releasing he brings up that maybe he should stop his relationship with her but that is not at all what I want!
That's really shitty of him, as far as I'm concerned. I know he probably thinks that saying that is offering to fix it for you. I'm guessing that's why he says that. I'm hoping that's why. Because if that's not why, it's just a threat to make you feel bad because you're not getting with the program. So if you can't get with the program, you'll be denying him what he wants, while he gets to be the good guy because he sacrificed for you. All so he doesn't have to tolerate your emotions.

Quote:
Originally Posted by duckiiee View Post
I also find that I can not stand him touching me after he is physical with her (not just sex physical but if he cuddles her too) or to sit on the couch or go to our bed if she has been there.
I can totally understand that. I'm sorry, but I find it completely insensitive of him that he would expect you to watch him cuddle her and then expect that you would be perfectly fine going to bed with him. Come on. There are people who have been poly for years and don't do that. There are people who do too. But you're brand new to this. It's only been a few weeks? This man needs to give you a break. Maybe you can put some distance between you and her for a bit. Just until you get used to it.

For some perspective, the three of us (CBF, FBF, and me) have been friends for eight years before we started this vee. That's a long time to adjust. And since I've been 'dating'(having sex with? that's really what changed) with both of them, the three of us have not been in the same room together. They're still adjusting. and they already know and love each other. We're all adjusting.

Give yourself a break. Tell him to give you a break. You can like her, and you can be happy for him, and you don't have to all be in the same room together. It doesn't all have to get better right this minute. Breathe. Make a list of wonderful things you can do for yourself, and do them. Every day. Give him a list of wonderful things he can do for you, and let him do them.

Breathe, that's the most important part.
__________________
Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
Reply With Quote