This is the perfect situation to seek a poly-friendly therapist!!
A therapist will let you brain-dump all your balled up thoughts and feelings, they know what questions to ask you to help *you* be able to start to sort through them, and they repeat back what you said in coherent ways so you can really start to see what is going on in your own head. Right now, it sounds like you have waves and waves of feelings and no one to listen or help you sort through them. Hubby can't - partially because he is too close to the situation, and partially just because of his instinct to try to "quick fix it" rather than just listen to you.
You need someone who can listen to you without judging, who is emotionally mature enough to sympathize and validate while also offering solid advice, and who can be there for you and only you without bringing their own emotional needs into it. That, my friend, is why God invented Therapists
You don't have to go forever, just until you work through your feelings and they aren't so overwhelming. Trust me, they are worth every penny, and sometimes insurance will cover it.