What a mess. Sigh. I am sorry you are suffering.
You made a choice -- invited him to contact her again to date. (While knowing she's the affair person.) I think it is fair that now you have to deal with the consequences of your choice. (Feeling yucky about affair person you do not want him to actually be dating. You issued a false invitation.)
We are free to choose. We are NOT free from the consequences of our choices.
It doesnt seem fair to him if I tell him not to be with her but it doesnt seem fair that I have to think of all the pain from last spring now too.
How about focusing on what is HONEST rather than what is "fair?"
Are you being honest with YOURSELF when you know you feel guilty, and do not articulate this Husband? But instead you offer husband a "false invitation" you really are not ok with him accepting to assuage your guilt? That's not looking out for your own best long term interests or long term health. That's you looking for a quick fix in the short term on the yucky guilt feelings. Aren't you shortchanging yourself there?
Are you being honest with YOURSELF to know you are feeling horrible, and want hubby to stop seeing her and don't ask him to? Are you getting ready to shortchange yourself again?
Are you being honest with your HUSBAND when you give him false options? Or when you do not give him full information on how you are feeling? Aren't you shortchanging him on having a deeper, more honest relationship with you when you keep things hidden?
How does your behavior help to build up trust in the marriage? How does this shortchange the marriage?
You could choose to be in charge of your own emotional management. When dealing with yucky feelings, you could choose constructive behavior to solve it rather then destructive behavior.
Constructive behavior = build up trust = sharing your Emotional Vulnerable with husband and create emotional intimacy with him.
Destructive behavior = break down trust = do not explain to husband your true feelings, give husband false options.
You could evaluate making your choices based on BOTH short term and long term best healths.
- You always have to look out for YOU and your best healths.
- You are also married to your husband and have a partnership. You have signed up to help look out for your partner's short term/long term best healths because your behavior could affect him.
Have you noticed in this story that you try to park your feelings somewhere else instead of owning them and dealing with them?
- You felt guilty for your happiness with BF. You try to park the guilt over with hubby for him to "solve" for you by him having a GF too.
- You felt misery once hubby started dating her -- the cheating partner. You expected her to mindreader your potential misery and just not date him when he contacted her. Now you are resentful she didn't "solve it" for you in advance.
You have a new opportunity here. You feel yucky over all this. You could choose to own it, take personal responsibility for it. Take a deep breathe, be brave, and just spit it OUT!
Perhaps something like
"Husband, I have to come clean. I made a big mistake. I was less than honest about offering you this option to date her. I don't really want you to date her. It makes me feel yucky to have you date the cheating affair person.
I was not thinking about my long term health and happiness. I was only thinking about my short term need to feel guilt free that I have a BF and you don't have a GF.
Worse, I was not thinking about YOUR short term or long term health and happiness. I was not thinking about our marriage's short term or long term health either.
I was not considerate. I am sorry, and I apologize I was less than honest in offering this option. I did a bad. For this I am truly sorry and regretful.
I have a request. Please consider stopping dating her now, before it gets deeper. Please consider working on our marriage issues - trust, honesty in communication, articulation of emotions -- with me. I want to get better at it and be a better partner to you."
Then see what kind of consequence that choice brings you -- coming clean to spouse.
It may or may not be the outcome your hope for, but you will at least be moving toward behaving in right relationship with yourself and toward being in right relationship with him.
Again, I am sorry you are suffering.
I hope you can take appropriate steps to "unsuffer" and begin to move this forward. Being "stuck" doesn't feel fun.