Letting him be with woman he cheated with
Last spring before we were poly my husband slept with a woman he met online. It broke my heart and shattered me. I was a complete wreck and was very suicidal, mostly bc there was not communication beforehand and he lied about it afterward for a week or so. I became obsessed with finding out who she was. I wanted to have sex w her too so I could be part of what he had with her. I never did find her and husband stopped talking to her.
Well, now we are poly and had decided to date other people pretty casually but I fell in love w someone hard and fast and I admit I have a connection w him I have never had w anyone else. It is much more than NRE--it's like we have known each other forever and we have so much more in common than my husband and I do.
Husband is intuitive and he can see how hard I have fallen. He is sad but working through his issues himself without getting mad at me. He knows it isnt my fault I fell in love (never rly part of the plan).
I have been feeling so guilty for being happy with BF while my husband has not had any luck dating people that I decided he could contact girl he slept with last spring. This was solely bc of my guilt; if I'd have thought more about my own feelings i wouldnt have said anything.
Now they are seeing each other and I am miserable about it. I dont trust her (she knew I was upset in the spring but she still got back w him?) I also dont trust my husband completely w her bc he was not safe last time they were together. He swears he will be now (they havent had sex yet) but I am unsure.
I dont know what to do. I had a nightmare about them last night and i woke up crying and miserable. It doesnt seem fair to him if I tell him not to be with her but it doesnt seem fair that I have to think of all the pain from last spring now too.
Opinions on what to do?
Queer and married with kids and unsure about poly even after all this time.