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Old 12-15-2012, 07:53 AM
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Vancouver, BC, Canada
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Ha! We would have a lot of fun arguing these things out, if we didn't draw blood first.

Quote:
Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe View Post
Okay, if that is how you see it, but I have to say that I chuckled when I read this. Just about the time that I met Dude we were in the process of moving from a 4 bedroom, 2.5 bath house to a 1 bedroom, 1.5 bath house. Dude helped us move and then moved in.

I'll just have to inform Dude that he is a "live-in mistress" since I provide 100% of the finances. PS. What is a "live-in mistress"? Is that different than a "housewife"?
A mistress, in traditional terms is a female partner of a man he is not married to (or equivalent to marriage, these days), and to whose living expenses he contributes in a significant way. There must be a word for its male equivalent, but I don't know what it is. It is not a derogatory term. But it is not the same things as a spouse.

A housewife (or househusband) is a partner who carries her (or his) weight, economically. If it's not in terms of income, it is in terms of work. If this does not happen, it's not exactly a relationship of equals, is it? Obviously, people can fall sick and simply cannot work, but that's another matter.

Quote:
Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe View Post
Where does said housewife generate 1/3 of the family finances? And he should assume 50% of the "domestic work" - since I don't do any? What if he fixes all of the cars instead? And what "one-third" of the decisions does he get to assume? What brand of shampoo we buy? He can have 100% of that decision - since no one else cares; on the other hand I am uncomfortable with him (or my husband for that matter) having 1/3 say in how I invest my 401(k) since they are 0% educated/interested in investing and it has been my personal hobby for the last 15 years.
Some of this is just legalistic quibbles.

This discussion is about "couple privilege", which - it seems - some people resent. I said that one way around it is for the third party to move in and become a participant in a three-person partnership, in which the three people are, more or less, equal. Once you live under the same roof and are in daily contact, it becomes difficult to start invoking any kind of privilege.

As for financial decisions, I usually make all of them in my mono marriage, after some discussion of the broad implications of what I plan to do. We have put everything into a common pot, and my wife is only too glad to let me decide such things. Introduce a third party into this arrangement, and things may become tricky. If she is not interested in contributing to the decision-making either, will she sign a disclaimer not to sue me in the future, whatever happens?



Quote:
Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe View Post
The non-initial couple has no "private sentiments" then? Does that meant that all of their "sentiments" are public or that they aren't allowed to have any?
Of course they do. Is it advisable to flaunt them, in the presence of the third participant? You tell me. Here we are, sitting around the fireplace in a nice romantic evening, and two of the people keep on discussing some heartwarming moments they shared together some time ago. How delightful for the third participant - no, of course (s)he won't feel left out.

Quote:
Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe View Post
Whose rule is that? If it is your rule, then good luck if your wife and your girlfriend decide to outvote you. I thought that we had a "no un-planned guests" rule (due to the fact that I am an anti-social introvert that hates people in general), 16 years of marriage and then my husband is backing up my boyfriend with the "we live here too" argument...and there are people sleeping on my floor...
I am getting confused here. Are you for or against couple privilege? But then suddenly this is "your" floor? I would never move into someone's home if it wasn't to be "our" home afterwards.

The no unplanned houseguests rule I don't quite get either. I have been married for thirty years, and I can't imagine inviting someone to stay overnight without discussing it first with my wife. Such an invitation belongs with the important decisions category - surely you don't need a rule about that, it's just one of those things in a partnership.


Quote:
Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe View Post
Your wife is, obviously, a much nicer person than I am.
This is something pretty clear. She is nicer than most people I know, which is one reason I married her.

Quote:
Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe View Post
Personally I - 1.) remind them gently, 2.) wait until the trash reaches the ceiling,
Why would you live with somebody who allows trash to reach the ceiling? I am not all that orderly, but surely there are limits to my tolerance.

Quote:
Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe View Post
3.) nag incessantly, 4.) start playing Oscar the Grouch singing "I Love Trash" over the stereo at odd hours of the day at max volume. I'll be damned if I take out the trash after working an 80 hour work-week while the two of them are home all day. In my view, mono or poly, people doing what they SAY they will do is how loving relationships function... or you re-negotiate.
Everyone can forget to do things at times, we are only too human. But people who consistently don't do what they have promised to do are not good partnership material, and I wouldn't renegotiate, I would just get out.

If I worked 80 hours a week, then came home and found that my partner(s), who stayed at home all day, didn't do a reasonable amount of work around the home, I would be awfully miffed.
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